


The State of Being

by norwegian_galaxies



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: (?), AHAHAHA, Anko Family (Hetalia), Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, But other than family it's mostly just Icey and Hong Kong trying to find their places in the world, Den's also a puppy, Denmark is a cool dad, Depression, Family, Family Bonding, Family Issues, Iceland is being Iceland, Like in Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, Love, M/M, Marriage, Masturbation, Norway is a helicopter mom, Not really but he's cuTE, POV First Person, Panic Attacks, Platonic Love, Poor Mat's Got Depression...as usual, Sexual Themes, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, This really revolves A LOT around family, True Love, at some points, even though they're really not icey's parents, mentioned masturbation, okay then
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-28
Updated: 2019-04-07
Packaged: 2019-06-17 14:57:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 38
Words: 33,479
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15463917
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/norwegian_galaxies/pseuds/norwegian_galaxies
Summary: Being: /ˈbēiNG/ present participle of 'be'.The state or essence of a person.Emil's always had trouble being himself. It certainly doesn't help that his best friend keeps sending him hearts, his brother's getting married to someone he hates, and his life seems like it's falling apart at the seams.Former title: Just Be.





	1. Part One: Day One

**Author's Note:**

> Hei, everyone!
> 
> I hope you like this, it's a new fanfic I've been writing called "Just Be".
> 
> This is told from Emil's (Iceland's) point of view. 
> 
> WARNING: You may/may not cry during later chapters. Just wanted to warn you ;) There's also some smut in later chapters too, as well as masturbation -_- just be aware
> 
> ((Oh yeah, there's a little bit of fourth wall breaking, as well as Emil calling Lukas "brother" in his head but refusing to say it out loud...so, Icey being Icey XD))

_Knock knock knock._

Perhaps the timelines had shifted.

Change was so inevitable, yet was sometimes so unexpected that the events leading up to it went completely unseen.

That being said, I still knew that something had been going on.

Phone calls interrupted our movie nights, with Brother on the phone speaking in hushed whispers. The calls sometimes lasted for hours on end, and I was too tired to even keep watching the movie when Brother--or whoever was on the other end--hung up.

_Knock knock knock._

Brother sometimes left the house with no warning, and I was left alone for hours on end with absolutely nothing to do. He would always come back, seeming a little lighter, happier.

Of course. I was happy to see Brother happy. I really was. But after three whole weeks of my brother being uncharacteristically _ecstatic_? I started to get worried.

Now, there's a strange man living in our house.

He's here every single day; helping Brother with the meals, watching TV with us--he's even there when we go out to do simple things, like buy groceries, which is ridiculous. Even I don't go grocery shopping with my brother every time, but the man insists on going wherever he goes. It's annoying.

I didn't care for the man too much then, and I don't now. He's too loud, too spontaneous, too _different_. I don't understand what Brother sees in him.

A few weeks back, for some reason, they'd taken me to the ice cream parlor down the street. I had absolutely no idea why they had to take me. As with everything else, I'm perfectly capable of going on my own.

Apparently--and I found this out later--it was so that the man and I could "bond".

Because Brother was planning on getting married to the man.

_Pound pound pound._

When they had come home wearing matching, star sapphire rings, I couldn't breathe. That was the one thing I hadn't expected when I started noticing things. I'd honestly thought that eventually, Brother and the man's relationship would fade, and they would break up. Like a hopeful, dream-blinded idiot, I hadn't expected them to last.

But they did, and now, they're engaged.

I didn't have the heart to tell my brother I was pissed off, but I also didn't have the heart to stay downstairs and smile and pretend that _no_ , my life _wasn't_ falling completely apart.

_Pound pound pound._

So, I walked upstairs, without a single word, and slammed the door to my room shut.  
I hated that man then. I hated him so much, despised him with all my heart--I didn't even know anything about him, and he was suddenly my new brother-in-law. All I knew was that he was Danish (I knew that because Brother constantly called him "Dane" when he was annoyed by him), and that he was obnoxious (I knew that because of my own experiences dealing with him).

I still left my room, because I didn't want Brother to worry. That was the only thing that would've made this whole situation worse: for someone to worry about me.

I avoided the Dane as much as I could, but that was hardly possible, what with him always chasing me around, trying to hang out with me.

In fact, right at this precise moment, the infernal pounding on my door's getting steadily louder.

_POUND POUND POUND._

"Just open the door, Dane," I mutter, turning off my phone and throwing it across the bed, stuffing my face in a pillow. I'm really not in the mood to get mixed up with him at the moment. But last time I yelled at him to go away, he barged in anyway, so there was absolutely no reason to tell him to leave. I'm surprised that he even had the decency to knock on the door this time.

The door flew open, and he walked quickly inside my beloved sanctuary of a bedroom, sitting gingerly on the side of my bed. "Hey, Icey." The man's voice rings out through my quiet room, and I cringe at the noise. His voice is so obnoxious. I swear to God, someday I'll rip his fucking vocal cords out. It doesn't help that he used that stupid nickname he gave me when he met me. "Icey". Because of my hair, he says. Whatever.

"Hi," I mutter, lifting my head to glare up at the man. His eyes are so blue, like the summer sky. They're so bright, it's dizzying to look right at them. I immediately focus my gaze on the Dane's blonde hair, which is, as usual, defying the laws of gravity.

"Sorry to bother you," the Dane starts, smiling sheepishly down at me.

Haha, best joke of the century. I give it a ten out of ten. "No, you're not."

"I really am." A sort of sadness flits through the man's gaze for a moment. "Um, anyway! Lukas told me to let you know that we're all going out for dinner tonight, as a, well, ya know, family?"

I am not, and will never be part of his family, dear reader. I just wish I could tell him and Brother that, but I know I would break Brother's heart, and I can't stand the thought of doing that. "If he wanted me to know, he could've just yelled that up the stairs," I say instead, evenly, though my nails dig into my palms, leaving red crescent shapes behind.

The man shrugs. "Well, he specifically told me to come up here and get you."

" _Matthias_!" Brother calls from downstairs.

 _Oh,_ that's _his name._ I mentally facepalm. Of course that's his name, it sounds as boisterous as he is.

"Be right there!" Matthias calls back, smiling cheerfully back at me. I want to smack that stupid smile off his face. "So...come down when you're ready, I guess!" He stands up again and walks away, closing the door behind him.

Well, at least he closed the door behind him. I sigh, pushing myself off my bed. I know Matthias has noticed my clear disdain for him--I'd made sure of it. I also know that both my brother and Matthias are trying really hard to help me get used to the change, but it's not working. I feel even more loathing towards the Dane now than ever before, because he's trying _astronomically_ too hard.

I deem the clothes I'm wearing as "okay-to-wear-as-long-as-we're-not-going-anywhere-fancy". Sure, it's a long name, but it's not like I really bother to care what brands I'm wearing. I'm not like the jocks at school that squeal like little girls whenever someone steps on their expensive new shoes. I usually classify my clothes into categories like "fancy", "casual", "okay-to-wear", and "I-couldn't-care-less".

However, apparently my hoodie and jeans aren't as "okay-to-wear" as I thought they were; Brother gives me a look as I walk down the stairs. "Emil, you wore that outfit to sleep last night."

"Mhm," I say, stopping at the bottom of the stairs, looking at him. "What of it?" What I really mean is, _Do you think I give a flying fuck._

"What he means to say is _go change_ ," Matthias chides, chuckling. "Can't go to the restaurant looking like that, Em." Great, now he's calling me "Em". Even better than "Icey". Now I sound like a fucking girl.

Of course, now I notice that they're both wearing nice clothes. Fucking dammit. I climb back up the stairs, my face hot. I'm probably bright red. I throw open my closet and pull out the first "fancy" thing I see, throw it on, and walk back downstairs.

Brother's face lights up, and he nods. "Nice choice."

"Wait, he wears that all the ti-" Matthias starts, raising his eyebrows.

"Shush," Brother hushes him, pressing a finger to his lips. "He looks nice." _Why thank you, Brother. You look quite nice, yourself, with your weird...suit...thing._

I'm wearing a brown jacket, a white dress shirt, brown pants, and white boots. It's honestly my favorite "fancy" outfit, and it's true that I wear it often, Matthias, almost as much as my hoodies, jeans, and sweaters. Everyone always says it looks good on me. "Thanks," I say, quietly. "So, where are we going?"

Matthias beams. I feel another urge to slap him. "Well, Gil knows these two guys who opened up a new restaurant in town, and the first one thousand customers get their meal half off. Nice deal, huh?"

"So...we're getting Italian food again?" I roll my eyes. We had Italian food literally only two days ago, what the fuck.

"Well, they have German food there, too," the Dane shrugged, "if you don't want Italian."

"Are either of you going to eat Italian food? We just had it a few days ago," I snort, crossing my arms. Brother opens the door, and we file out, and he makes sure to lock the door behind us. Then, we get in the car. I tried calling shotgun, but no, apparently only Matthias can ride in the passenger's seat now. I have to sit in the back.

At some point during the drive, Brother takes one hand off the wheel and holds Matthias' hand on the console in-between the front seats. I gag. "Get a room," I grumble, under my breath. Whenever I told anyone to get a room, and Brother was around, he'd agree. And yet, apparently that was the wrong thing to say about him and Matthias. His eyes meet mine in the rearview mirror and he gives me a look that chills me to my bones.

I shut up and look down at my phone, where Leon is texting--actually, SPAMMING me.

Leon Wang is my best friend. Sure, I mean, I have other friends, too: Lilli, Matthew, Yong Soo, Natalya (somewhat), and I guess my cousin, Peter, too. But Leon's my absolute closest friend in the whole entire world. I honestly don't know what I'd do without him.

**5:49 PM  
Leon: EM!!**

**5:49 PM  
Leon: EM ANSWER ME**

**5:49 PM  
Leon: EMIL STEILSSON!!!!! ANSWER MEEEEEEE!!!!!**

**5:49 PM  
Emil: what the fuck, leon**

**5:49 PM  
Emil: why tf are you spamming me**

**5:50 PM  
Leon: Yong Soo has tickets to a K Pop thing!!**

**5:50 PM  
Leon: And there's, like, three of them? Wanna go? It's tonight**

I sigh. Yong Soo always has tickets to a "K-Pop thing". But, of course, tonight I'm not going to be able to go. In fact, I've never been able to go. Brother says Leon and Yong Soo are trouble, which is a whole load of B.S., in my opinion. But then, if he was my younger brother, I would've been telling him the same thing about Matthias, and he'd be replying to me the same exact way.

**5:52 PM  
Emil: can't**

**5:52 PM  
Leon: (T ^ T)**

**5:53 PM  
Leon: Why not?!**

**5:53 PM  
Emil: because**

**5:53 PM  
Emil: my brother and the danish guy are dragging me along on a date so i get to be a third wheel**

**5:53 PM  
Leon: Oh my God, not again!**

**5:53 PM  
Leon: Can't you just, you know**

**5:54 PM  
Emil: what?**

**5:54 PM  
Leon: You know...**

**5:54 PM  
Leon: Sneak out...?**

**5:54 PM  
Emil: leon, if i did that, brother would kill me**

**5:54 PM  
Leon: You know he'd never actually try to hurt you, Em**

**5:55 PM  
Leon: Just tell him you'd rather have dinner at my house, then ask if we can have a sleepover!**

That's one thing about Leon: he's an absolute genius, even though he acts like an idiot a lot of the time. I grin, and look innocently up at Brother, whose eyes keep flicking between the road and I (of course, he's looking at me in the rearview mirror). "Hey...Lukas?" I sputter on his name, I haven't called him his actual name at all today, and I refuse to give him the satisfaction to hear me call him "Brother".

"Yes?" He says, looking back at me, raising his eyebrows.

"Can you drop me off at Leon's? I'm craving Chinese food." 

Matthias chuckles. "Guys don't get-" Then Brother elbows him hard in the side. "OW!"

I smirk, trying not to laugh.

"Emil," Brother sighs, rolling his eyes. "I'm sorry about Matthias. But no, you can't go hang out with Leon. You know whenever you go over there, Yao always works way too hard on dinner."

Damn. " _Bu-ut_ , what about the people at the restaurant? Aren't they going to be working way too hard on dinner, too? I mean, they're cooking a bunch of different meals for a bunch of different people. I bet they're working even harder because of the half-off deal, too." I say this in my most convincing voice.

But, Brother's already onto me. He smirks smugly back. "Nice try."

Suddenly, the obnoxious voice of the even more obnoxious Dane rings out, and _oh_ , how grateful I am for what he says. Not that it's going to change my opinion of him, of course. "Aren't you being a bit harsh, Lukie?" He asks, frowning at him.

Brother looks over at him. "What?"

"Well, I mean," Matthias shrugs. "He never asks to hang out with his friends, anyway. Maybe loosen up tonight." He turns and looks at me, and winks.

I roll my eyes instinctively, but still mouth a thank you back at him. He nods and turns back around.

Brother sighs, then does a completely, totally "legal" U-turn and starts driving back down the road. Leon's house is right down the road. "Just this once, lillebror," he says to me, giving me a small, pained smile as he pulls into the driveway of Leon's enormous house.

Matthias whistles. "Tell your friend he's got a pretty nice place there," he says, half to himself. His blue eyes are wide as he looks at the house.

Leon's house has to be big, though. His family is enormous. Especially with the new addition to his family--Yao had recently gotten married to this Russian guy, Ivan, and he brought some of his sisters and friends with him. I don't see Ivan or Yao's cars, though.

"See!" I say to Brother. "Yao isn't even here!"

Brother purses his lips. "Stay out of trouble, please," he says, as he parks the car. He unbuckles his seatbelt and opens the car door, climbing out, seemingly waiting for me. What the Hell, is he going to walk me up or something?

My question is answered when I get out of the car. This whole time, my phone's been buzzing, probably over-flowing with texts from Leon. I chuckle and put my phone in my jacket pocket, getting out of the car, too. I'm immediately pulled into a hug by my brother's ice-cold hands, and I reluctantly hug back.

"I know you and Leon were planning this," he whispers, so quietly I can barely hear him. "You're lucky I'm in love with such an airhead." He lets go of me, gives me a quick peck on the cheek. "I love you, lillebror, stay safe, and call me when you need me to pick you up."

"Okay, _Mom_ ," I mumble, before walking away. "Thanks again, Matthias," I call over my shoulder. I don't hear Brother getting back into the car or hear the car pulling out of the driveway. I know he won't leave until I'm inside the house. Ugh. I walk up to the door and knock.

The door is immediately flung open by Leon himself. I guess he was walking past the door, which would make sense. His room is on the second level of the house, and the staircase is right in front of the door.

I pull out my phone and text him.

**6:04 PM  
Emil: i'm here**

I hear Leon's ringtone, and he pulls out his phone, reading the text. He looks up and glares at me. "No, really?" He says, sarcastically, sticking his head out the door to look out. Then, he hushes his voice, looking nervous. "Hey, Em? Lukas is glaring at me, would you maybe wanna come inside?"

I turn around, and Brother is indeed glaring at Leon. I'm assuming he's trying to drill holes into my friend's back with just his eyes. I glare back, then walk inside, slamming the door to make a point that nobody glares at Leon except me. And, well, Yao.

As usual, it's loud inside the house. Leon immediately grabs me by the hand and pulls me upstairs. "I'm sorry it's so loud," he apologizes, as soon as we get up to his room and he closes the door, shutting out all the noise. "Mei and Yao were having an argument earlier, and she's been really grumpy since. Like, every single conversation she's involved in eventually turns into a screamfest."

I am so glad I don't have to live with as many people as Leon does. But somehow, he copes with it very well. Honestly, I'd just find it hard to live around his brother Yong Soo, even though Yong Soo is one of my friends, too, he's still loud and crazy. Thankfully not as loud and crazy as Matthias, but still.

Leon...he has to deal with Yao (who is one of the best cooks I know and honestly isn't that bad as long as you listen to him), Kiku (who's not obnoxious at all and is really, really nice, as well as a manga author), Yong Soo (who's loud, flashy, and pretty...out there. Did I mention loud?), Mei (who's really sweet and nice...but apparently not today), and his other three siblings (that I've honestly never met) every single day. Not to mention, now he has to also live with Ivan and his family/friends: Natalya (who is a friend of mine and is actually okay when she's not acting yandere), Katyusha (who's a total mom and has a really big... _rack_ ), Toris (I honestly don't know too much about him), Eduard (he keeps telling me he's related to me and my family, and I keep having to tell him no), and Raivis (who's cool, we share similar opinions on romance novels and stuff). I don't think I could deal with all that.

But apparently Leon can. He hasn't gone insane yet.

He pulls out his phone again to show me his case, it has the Hong Kong flag on it. On the sides, there's little golden lights. I tell him it's cool, because, I mean, it is. My phone's case is just blue. We spend the next few minutes talking about how I got Brother to bring me here.

"I'm telling you," Leon says, amber eyes wide. "This Matthias guy--he's a miracle. If Lukas and him had broken up, you'd probably be stuck at home eating, like, fish or something right now. You wouldn't have even had the choice to go out to eat."

I shrug. He does have a point, but I refuse to believe that Matthias is a miracle. Because he's not. "I don't need anyone else trying to convince me that, Leon," I mutter, falling backwards on his floor. "Can we please talk about something else. Anything else." I look around his room. It's nice and dark. All of the furniture is dark brown, and his walls are amber, reminding me of coffee. Or of tea leaves. I stare up at the white ceiling. "We should go get bubble tea again soon," I say, still laying haphazardly on the floor. I like bubble tea. Leon took me once after I told him I'd never had it. Leon, after a few seconds, lays down next to me.

"We can go before Yong Soo's thing," he says, turning over to look at me.

"I'd like that."


	2. Day One: Waiting

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a kind of short chapter. Sincerest apologies. But I DID say this was kinda like Aristotle and Dante Discover the Secrets of the Universe, where some of the chapters are only a few words or sentences long.  
> Oh, by the way. If you haven't read that book, I highly suggest you do. It's my all-time favorite!!!

Leon and I may be best friends, but that doesn't mean we actually do anything together whenever I come over, other than talk, lay on the floor, and go on social media websites.

Apparently, Yong Soo had gotten out of the house to get away from all of the arguing and he hadn't come back since, so Leon was texting him for a lot of the time asking when he'd pick us up and if it was okay if we ate at home, then went to the bubble tea place.

Though, now he's taking a break and we're just laying together on the floor, staring at the ceiling, and little conversations spring up occasionally.

"Do you like anybody?" He asks, in such a bored manner that even if I said _his_ name, he wouldn't even care. Which _no_ , I do not have a crush on him, nor do I have a crush on anyone. Which is exactly what I tell him. He laughs drily. "Sure you don't, Em." He lifts his head to free his long, dark hair from under it. It splays out around his head like sun rays. "Everyone likes someone."

"Well, if you're so interested in who I like, then who do you like?" I ask, and he looks surprised, so clearly he doesn't have a snide response.

In fact, he just blushes, and doesn't answer. He takes a deep breath and stands back up. I frown at him. "Let's go find something to eat, now that nobody's arguing anymore," he says, biting his lip before opening the door to his room and walking out.

I follow him, puzzled. I've never seen Leon like this, except for around his last crush, which makes me wonder if the reasons he's not telling me his crush are because either:

a.) it's the same girl as before and there's no reason to tell me,

b.) it's an ugly girl,

Or, the least likely one:

c.) it's a boy, or someone of a different gender, other than female or male.

Which isn't possible. Leon's had too many crushes on too many girls for him to be gay. Literally _everyone_ knows that. It's not that I have a problem with gay people, I'm literally _surrounded_ by gay people. My own beloved Brother is gay. But I just can't imagine Leon with a guy, or anyone else other than a girl, for that matter.

We make it downstairs and into the kitchen, where Katyusha is making something. I can't even tell what it is, but it looks like bread. She turns and waves at us. "Hello, you two! It's nice to see you!" She says, smiling. "Will you be joining us for supper?"

I shake my head. Leon replies, "We're going to a thing with Yong Soo."

"Sounds like fun!" Katyusha nods thoughtfully. "Well, I'll try to save some bread for you two, it's very good!"

So it _is_ bread. I nod. "Thanks," I reply, smiling graciously at her. She's so nice. She turns back to the bread and continues kneading it. Leon walks over to the fridge and opens it, looking inside.

"So, we have pirozhki," he reports, from inside the fridge. "I could've _sworn_ Kiku made sushi the other night..."

"It's okay, Leon, I don't need anything fancy, I can just have chips or something," I say.

He shakes his head. "You wanted a Yao meal, you're at least going to get something _close_."

 _Pff_. Sometimes, Leon's too nice. I hate and love that about him. "Leon, you do remember that that was a cover-up for our plan?"

He nods. "Yeah. So?"

"Where's the chips?" I call back over to Leon's sister-in-law. She looks up from her bread-making and points up at a cabinet above the fridge. "Thanks." I pull a stool in front of the fridge and reach the door of the cabinet, opening it and looking inside. Sure enough, there are chips up there, and I grab the plain kind, hopping off the stool and returning it to where it was.

Leon frowns over at me. "You _really_ want chips over pirozhki?" He asks, his shoulders sagging.

"Yes."

"Fine." He sighs and closes the fridge, and we walk back upstairs to his room. I open the bag of chips and pull a handful out. He stares at me for a few moments.

"Yes?" I say, looking over at him.

He looks away. 


	3. Day One: Night

Yong Soo came and picked us up around nine.

Yes, _nine o'clock at night_. Brother never lets me stay out this late. I breathe in the cool night air and sigh, looking up at the stars. This is my first night away from home, and when I tell Leon this, his eyes widen. 

"This is your first night away from home?" He asks incredulously, staring at me. "No offense, but what the Hell?"

"Lukas doesn't want me to get kidnapped or anything," I reply, raising my eyebrows at him. "What, do _you_ want me to get kidnapped?"

" _Yes_ , Emil, I _want_ you to get kidnapped," he snorts, rolling his amber eyes. "But seriously."

"No, not kidding. Brother's all safety and stuff. He says I'm not allowed to have a boyfriend till I'm married, that I'm not allowed to drink, or have sex, or anything. Which, I mean, I don't necessarily want those things. I don't know why he's assuming I'm gay, either."

"Are you sure you're not?" Yong Soo pipes up, from out the car window. "I'm pretty sure I've seen you ogling Antonio a few times."

"Oh, fuck you," I growl at him. _Seriously, who_ hasn't _ogled Antonio?_ He has the nicest ass on the planet.

"Whoa, struck a nerve there," he replies, raising his hands in defeat. "Sorry about that."

"Mhm." Leon, meanwhile, is snickering from beside me. I shoot him a glare. He continues to laugh. "Shush your mouth, Wang."

"So...are we going to go?" Yong Soo asks after a few more minutes of me staring at the sky.

I feel a hand curl around my wrist, and before I know it, Leon has marched me over to the car, like I'm a little kindergartner or something. He lets go and walks over to the other side of the car, and we open the doors and get inside.

Yong Soo turns up the radio, but it's not so loud that I can feel my eardrums dying, like how Matthias makes it. I immediately click the seatbelt and look around the interior of the car. And, holy shit, this thing has a _sunroof_. I've never been in a car that's had a sunroof before.

Actually, scratch that, I've never been in a car other than a car that belongs to my family, or Yao, before.

All I can think is _whoa_.

I can feel Leon watching me, and I look over at him. His mouth twitches when he notices I'm looking back at him. "Sorry," he says quickly, giving me a small smile.

I roll my eyes. "Hey, Yong Soo? Can you open the sunroof?"

"Not while I'm driving, but I guess you can," he replies, looking at me in the rearview mirror.

 _Well, how the fuck do I do that?_ "You just pull that little...latch thing," Leon says, as though he had read my mind. I can see the latch he's alluding to and give it a tug, and the window opens up.

"Please don't stick your head out, though," Yong Soo says from the front. "Yao heard on the news the other day that if you stick any part of yourself out of a sunroof, there's a possibility that you could get decapitated." He taps his chin. "I think that could include someone's cock and balls. But, whoa, easy castration, right?"

"If by 'easy', you mean 'completely unsafe'," Leon mutters. "Who in their right mind would _do_ that?" 

I can't help but snicker. I've been pretty sheltered my whole life, even now, even though I'm seventeen. Brother refuses to let me see anything that has to do with sex or cursing or anything (of course, I still find it on my phone and hear about it when I'm with Leon and Yong Soo, so there's no point). He's afraid it'll 'taint' me.

Pff.

We pull up to the bubble tea place, and Leon sighs, reaching up and closing the sunroof. After I was told I couldn't look up out of it, it got boring, anyway. Seriously, what are sunroofs for, if you can't stand up and look out of them? I unbuckle my seatbelt and open the door, jumping out onto the tar of the parking lot. I overestimate the height of the car above the ground and my shoes scrape it painfully. _Ouch_. Shit. Meanwhile, Yong Soo and Leon are already walking up to the door. I glare at them. Yong Soo chuckles. "Took you long enough, now come on! We have other places to go!"

I sigh and follow them, and when we get inside and sit down, I inspect the damage to my boots. My right boot, which was the one that hit the ground, is all scraped up and dirty. I groan. "What's wrong?" Leon asks, giving me a questioning look. I lift up the boot and show him. He hisses. "That's not good."

"No, it's not," I sigh. Everyone's giving me dirty looks, so I put the boots back on and flip them off. I hate when people just stare at you whenever you do something weird in a public place. Like _they've_ never stuck gum on the bottoms of tables. Like _they've_ never picked their nose and flicked it at someone else. Compared to those things, taking off boots to inspect damage on them can hardly be considered rude.

Yong Soo's already pulled out the menu and is looking over it. His eyes dart from side to side very quickly as he reads it.

It's somewhat disturbing.

I turn my attention to my own menu.


	4. Day One: The Moon

Leon and I are sitting in the car, waiting for Yong Soo to finish watching the concert.

Long story short, we both got very, _very_ bored, and since Leon can't legally drive yet (like, he doesn't have a permit or a license, because he failed the test he had to take for the permit...don't ask me how) and I'm too tired to drive, we're stuck here until Yong Soo's had his fun and is ready to go. Which will probably be _never_.

So, Leon and I have made ourselves comfortable. Yong Soo's car is also the kind that has a little TV screen on the ceiling of it. We're watching some Chinese horror movie I don't understand, and I'm curled up in my seat, hardly able to pay attention to it. My eyesight is blurry and my brain is foggy.

"Emil, I'm going to get Yong Soo and drag him out here so he can drive us home," Leon says after the credits of the movie start rolling, and the clock on the dashboard turns to _11:34._

I missed most of that movie, let me just say that. "Okay," I reply, blinking up at him.

"If you need to lay down, just lay across the seats," Leon says, as he gets out of the car.

Almost immediately, he opens the door again, and grabs my hand, pulling me up. I'm suddenly wide awake. "Come outside!" He cries, pulling me out.

_Doesn't seem like there was a reason to order me, if you were just going to pull me out._

But I don't end up saying it out loud. I immediately see what Leon's so excited about. The moon is out, full, and bright. The stars twinkle around it.

I look over at him, and he's watching the sky, captivated. He climbs on top of the car and lays down, his eyes never leaving the sky. "Is that uncomfortable?" I ask him. I wouldn't want to lay on the cold, hard, bumpy surface of a car roof.

"Kinda, but the view is amazing," he replies breathlessly.

My will is rendered useless against that comment. I climb up after him and lay down next to him on the roof of the car. Yes, the view is indeed amazing. I hear music coming from a few miles away. All the parking spaces closest to the concert were filled, so we had to park in a convenience store parking lot a few miles away.

But the view is absolutely perfect. Soon, I feel hypnotized by the light of the moon, and I can't look away.


	5. Day Two

Yong Soo offered to drive me home from Leon's house, because that morning, Mei and Yao were arguing again. He said 'again' like a lot of people say his name: annoyed AF. He didn't talk as he was driving me home, and neither did Leon, who was in the car with us. He just stared out the window. He had been acting weird since we had that conversation about crushes yesterday, and I was about to ask him why when suddenly we had arrived at my house.

Leon gave me a hug, Yong Soo waved, and then they drove away.

Now, I'm in the living room of my house. Brother is upset, and Matthias is upstairs sleeping, so I know he doesn't want to wake him up. However, it seems as though my brother is done berating me in his monotone voice and he sends me upstairs to go to sleep, which I'm grateful for. I never did end up getting any sleep the night before.

As I walk up the stairs, I bump into the Danish guy, and he smiles at me. "So, how was your night?" He asks, raising his eyebrows.

I ignore him and push past him, going up to my room and shutting the door. The last thing my tired mind needs is him. I hear him sigh sadly from out in the hallway, like a little puppy.

I flop down face-first on my asexual flag bed (I call it that because my bedspread is black, grey, white, and purple, in that order), before taking off my clothes, because frankly, I stink, my clothes stink, and I need to take a shower, but I'm too tired to take one. I crawl underneath the covers, covering my moon-pale, translucent skin with the asexual flag.

The warmth from the covers makes me drowsy, and in a few moments, I'm asleep. I don't dream about much except drifting through a colorful, empty space, like an ocean of colors. It's peaceful. There's violin music too, and it sounds like something Brother would play.

*

I wake up to hear soft piano music from downstairs. My first thought is, _Brother doesn't play piano_ , and then I remember that stupid Dane.

Brother must not be home. Why I know this? Matthias only plays the piano when my brother's gone. I'm not sure why, though. I try to roll over in bed, but instead, I roll onto the floor. What the Hell. I must have been sleeping on the very edge of the mattress again. I push myself off the floor and walk over to the bathroom after getting a clean, fluffy white towel out of the closet. I close the bathroom door behind me and step in the shower.

*

I pick at the pastries Matthias set out for me for breakfast. Yes, I love Danish pastries and have an extreme weakness for them.

And yes, Matthias is a very good cook when it comes to treats.

But I don't want him to give him the satisfaction of knowing that. I scarf the pastries down one by one, and _mm_ , they're delicious. Thankfully Matthias is still playing the piano in the next room. I must admit, he's amazing at it. I haven't heard him mess up once.

I walk into the next room after grabbing a bag of licorice, sitting down on the creme-colored couch behind Matthias' piano. I watch him. He's absolutely focused, and there's a different expression on his face than I usually see.

He isn't smiling, but he's not frowning, either, and his gaze is rapt on the keys. His blue eyes are narrowed.

He finishes the song he's playing and turns to look at me. "Hej, Emil," he says, smiling a bit. But it's not the annoying smile he always have. It seems more...genuine? "Did my playing wake you up?"

I shake my head, because no. I woke up because a bug flew into my window, really hard. _Stupid bug._ "No," I repeat out loud.

He sighs. "Thank goodness," he replies, wiping nonexistent sweat from his forehead. "So, how was it?" He asks, pointing to the piano.

"Pretty good," I admit, because, well, it was. Now, I may not want to be this guy's best friend or anything, but I'm not going to hurt him by lying about how I feel about his passions. Someone did that to Leon's older brother Kiku once. Kiku was pretty messed up and refused to draw for five whole months.

"Really?"

I nod.

"Thanks," he says, beaming, his smile perfect and bright and white. "Do you want me to play more?" I nod again, waving at him to go ahead. His smile grows even wider, and he turns back to the piano, cracking his knuckles before setting his hands on the white keys.

I find myself wondering how long he's known how to play the piano.

And then, I stop wondering when I notice what song he's playing. He's playing "In the Hall of the Mountain King", by Edvard Grieg; one of Brother's favorite songs.

The song suddenly cuts off, when Brother pulls into the driveway. Matthias' eyes widen, and he stands up straight, walking quickly out of the room. I stare after him, frowning. Seriously, what the Hell is his problem with my brother hearing him play the piano? It's weird. I try to ask him about it, but right then Brother walks through the door, so I decide not to press.

He's wearing the Dane's ginormous jacket. I stare at him. It's hanging off of him, his hands aren't even visible because the sleeves are so long. He has a light blue scarf wrapped around his neck, and he's wearing a winter hat, which he takes off and hangs on the hooks by the door.

"Aw, you look so cute," Matthias says, his sky blue eyes wide and adoring. He's smiling, and it's a genuine smile, once again. However, it's different from the one he gave me earlier; this one is filled with adoration and--well, I hate to say it--love. He tousles Brother's hair (and Brother glares at him for that) and kisses his forehead. "Em and I were just eating breakfast. I made you some, too."

"Hope you made coffee," Lukas sighs, taking off the jacket and hanging it next to his hat before following the Dane into the kitchen.

I still can't help but wonder why Matthias is so afraid of Lukas knowing about his piano-playing. But, sighing, I follow them into the kitchen, still clutching my bag of licorice, which I never ended up eating.


	6. Day Two: Texts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Literally just texts between Leon and Emil.  
> I was actually writing this 10:30--11:40, so the times in the texts are when I wrote them in the real world XD

**10:31 PM**  
**Leon: So, how are you doing today?**

**10:31 PM**  
**Leon: I'm sorry you didn't get enough sleep when you went to my house!**

**10:33 PM**  
**Emil: WTF LEON?!**

**10:33 PM**  
**Leon: ???**

**10:35 PM**  
**Emil: leon i'm trying to sleep RIGHT NOW.**

**10:35 PM**  
**Leon: Oh**

**10:35 PM**  
**Leon: Sorry**

**10:36 PM**  
**Emil: it's fine, ugh**

**10:36 PM**  
**Emil: i got to sleep in for a bit**

**10:37 PM**  
**Leon: Well, that's good （＾∇＾）**

**10:37 PM  
Leon: Right?**

**10:37 PM  
Emil: maybe?**

**10:37 PM  
Leon: I'm still sorry I woke you up, you can go back to sleep if you want.**

**10:38 PM  
Emil: leon, you know better than everyone that once i'm awake i can't go back to sleep for a very very long time**

**10:38 PM  
Leon: Sorry!**

**10:38 PM  
Emil: it's fine**

**10:38 PM  
Emil: what do you want to talk about?**

**10:38 PM  
Leon: Not sure**

**10:39 PM  
Emil: how about the sky**

**10:39 PM  
Leon: The sky is nice.**

**10:39 PM  
Emil: yeah**

**10:40 PM  
Emil: hey, are you one of those people that believes that the sky connects people?**

**10:40 PM  
Leon: What do you mean?**

**10:40 PM  
Emil: well**

**10:41 PM  
Emil: like, everybody's looking at the same sky no matter where they are**

**10:41 PM  
Leon: I mean, it's true, so of course I believe in that.**

**10:41 PM  
Emil: okay, well this is kind of embarrassing to admit**

**10:42 PM  
Emil: but sometimes i talk to the sky**

**10:42 PM  
Leon: Okay?**

**10:43 PM  
Leon: Don't you talk to your puffin, too?**

**10:43 PM  
Emil: leon shut up**

**10:44 PM  
Emil: i talk to the sky like i'm talking to my brother**

**10:44 PM  
Emil: all the things i can't say to him i say to the sky.**

**10:45 PM  
Leon: Okay? And why did you bring that up?**

**10:45 PM  
Emil: idk**

**10:45 PM  
Leon: Why can't you talk to your brother, though?**

**10:46 PM  
Emil: i just can't**

**10:46 PM  
Leon: Oh.**

**10:46 PM  
Leon: Sorry.**

**10:46 PM  
Emil: it's okay. the moon's shining through my window on me.**

**10:46 PM  
Leon: Nice**

**10:47 PM  
Leon: That probably looks pretty**

**10:47 PM  
Emil: the moon always looks pretty!**

**10:47 PM  
Leon: Well, yes, but**

**10:48 PM  
Emil: but what?**

**10:48 PM  
Leon: Nevermind.**

**10:48 PM  
Emil: is everything okay?**

**10:49 PM  
Leon: ¿What do you mean?**

**10:49 PM  
Emil: you've just been acting a little strange, that's all**

**10:50 PM  
Leon: Okay...**

**10:50 PM  
Leon: You wanna know why I'm still awake?**

**10:50 PM  
Emil: why**

**10:51 PM  
Leon: They're arguing again downstairs. Mei and Yao.**

**10:51 PM  
Emil: can't you put earbuds in or something?**

**10:51 PM  
Leon: I do have earbuds in, but I can still hear them**

**10:52 PM  
Emil: oh**

**10:52 PM  
Emil: i'll ask again, this time you have to answer honestly**

**10:53 PM  
Emil: are you okay?**

**10:56 PM  
Leon: Honestly?**

**10:56 PM  
Leon: I'm not okay.**

**10:56 PM  
Emil: is there anything i can do, then?**

**10:56 PM  
Emil: are you really, really upset or anything?**

**10:57 PM  
Leon: No, Emil, I'm NOT really, really upset.**

**10:58 PM  
Leon: (￣ー￣)**

**10:59 PM  
Emil: sorry, that was a dumb question**

**11:00 PM  
Emil: i don't really know what to do**

**11:00 PM  
Leon: Can you just keep talking to me?**

**11:00 PM  
Emil: sure**

**11:00 PM  
Emil: about what?**

**11:01 PM  
Leon: Scandinavian folklore and stuff**

**11:01 PM  
Emil: finally taking an interest, eh?**

**11:01 PM  
Leon: Who said I wasn't interested in Scandinavian folklore?**

**11:02 PM  
Emil: i was kidding, though now that i think about it you've never asked to hear anything about it till now.**

**11:03 PM  
Leon: Oh. Sorry.**

**11:03 PM  
Leon: Is that rude?**

**11:03 PM  
Emil: no, not really**

**11:03 PM  
Emil: would you like to hear about the creatures? or something else?**

**11:04 PM  
Leon: Creatures, I guess.**

**11:04 PM  
Emil: ever heard of a huldra?**

**11:05 PM  
Leon: I've heard of a hydra, but not a huldra.**

**11:05 PM  
Emil: well, basically a huldra is a "beautiful woman"**

**11:06 PM  
Leon: Aaaaaand, here we go.**

**11:06 PM  
Leon: Another beautiful woman creature**

**11:07 PM  
Emil: ...buut she has a tail.**

**11:07 PM  
Leon: Ooo, like a mermaid?**

**11:08 PM  
Emil: no, in Norway she has a cow's tail, and in Sweden she has either a cow or fox tail. she doesn't have a tail instead of legs. she has to keep the tail hidden, though, or else the spell on her victims will break**

**11:08 PM  
Emil: she sometimes walks around naked.**

**11:09 PM  
Leon: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)**

**11:10 PM  
Emil: shush. in Norway she more often than not wears regular farmgirl clothes.**

**11:10 PM  
Emil: what she does is seduce men**

**11:11 PM  
Emil: then she may or may not steal their souls or treat them badly (and i mean BADLY), depending on how the man treats her**

**11:11 PM  
Leon: It's 11:11, make a wish**

**11:11 PM  
Leon: Also, literally what the fuck**

**11:13 PM  
Emil: oh, but if the huldra convinces a man to marry her and they get married in a church the huldra's tail will fall off and she'll become a regular human, although in some stories all her beauty will melt away and she'll look very old and decrepit?**

**11:13 PM  
Leon: Mhm**

**11:14 PM  
Leon: Cool, but I want to hear more about women that don't steal your souls**

**11:15 PM  
Leon: I'm sure you do, too, Emil ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)**

**11:15 PM  
Emil: ew no**

**11:16 PM  
Leon: So, you ARE gay**

**11:16 PM  
Emil: i didn't say that**

**11:17 PM  
Emil: i just don't really like the women around me**

**11:17 PM  
Leon: Not Lilli? Natalya? No one?**

**11:17 PM  
Emil: please stop bugging me about this, leon**

**11:18 PM  
Emil: i don't have a crush, and i'm not gay**

**11:18 PM  
Leon: I wasn't trying to bug you, I was just trying to**

**11:19 PM  
Leon: Well.**

**11:19 PM  
Emil: sorry about sort of snapping on you**

**11:19 PM  
Emil: i just don't feel like talking about love**

**11:20 PM**  
**Leon: Oh, because of your brother and...?**

**11:20 PM  
Emil: yep**

**11:20 PM  
Leon: I had almost forgotten about that.**

**11:21 PM  
Emil: yeah, me too**

**11:21 PM  
Leon: Emil?**

**11:21 PM  
Leon: I think that I need to go.**

**11:22 PM  
Emil: why?**

**11:23 PM  
Leon: Well,**

**11:23 PM  
Leon: I**

**11:23 PM  
Emil: ?**

**11:25 PM  
Leon: I'm tired.**

**11:25 PM  
Emil: oh**

**11:25 PM  
Emil: okay**

**11:25 PM  
Emil: are you sure? i can talk more**

**11:26 PM  
Leon: You're too sweet, Em**

**11:26 PM  
Leon: But no.**

**11:26 PM  
Leon: Good night.**

**11:27 PM  
Emil: good night**

**11:36 PM  
Leon: ♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎**


	7. Day Three: Lake

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Basically, Emil tells Leon to go jump in a lake after he embarrasses him.
> 
> Only literally. 
> 
> This happened to me the other day at the pool, trust me, this isn't that far-fetched XD

Since it's summer, a lot more people are spending a lot more time outside. But not me. Leon and I, we prefer to stay inside, and watch movies and text and such. But today, Matthias has forced me outside (Seriously, fuck him) while he and Brother have gone to, quote-unquote, "run errands"

...so now, Leon and I are walking around in my backyard.

"What's this?" Leon asks, frowning down at a little brick, standing on end, half-buried in the ground. I know that brick, too, and try to draw his attention away from it.

"Did you know giraffes have purple tongues?" I say, stupidly. _God fucking dammit, Emil! Why are you such an idiot?!_

Leon looks up at me, his amber eyes focused on me. "Of all things to say, Emil, why would you say that?" He asks, sighing, before crossing his arms. "Come on, what's that brick for? Spill."

He sounds like a stereotypical teenage girl. I kick at the ground. "Fine. That's where I buried my first Mr. Puffin stuffed animal after he finally fell apart at the seams. I wanted him to go to Heaven." It's dumb, I know. I know Leon thinks it's dumb, too. "Happy now?"

"Aw, that's cute," he says, smiling at me. "So, if I dug up the ground _right now_ , I'd find little stuffed animal remains?"

"Isn't that in any way disturbing to you?"

"Well, yes, in retrospect...but," he snickers, "you _buried_ your _stuffed animal,_ Emil."

Yes, thanks. I think I made that clear. I roll my eyes. "It's not cute or funny, Leon."

"But it _is_ ," he replies, tousling my hair.

I facepalm, my face growing warmer and warmer. At this point, I probably look like a tomato. A silver-haired tomato. And Leon's going to call that cute or funny, too. _Ugh_. "Just drop it," I mumble, wanting my hoodie to suddenly come to life and swallow me whole. _Shit_. My palms grow sweaty. I wrinkle my nose in disgust and wipe the sweat with my sleeves, then look up again, feeling myself cooling down significantly.

Leon is still standing there, looking concerned, and apologetic. "Sorry about that."

"Mhm."

"No, like, I'm really sorry."

"And I'm really okay." I walk past the brick and to the very back of the yard, where there's a lake. Across the lake is the forest, shrouded with grey mist. I stand at the edge of the water, inhaling. I smell pine. And dirt (which is a surprisingly good smell).

Leon sighs from behind me. "You just didn't seem okay a couple of seconds ago."

"That's because you fucking _embarrassed_ me, Leon," I reply, rolling my eyes at him. "Of course I wouldn't be 'okay'. You made fun of me."

"I wasn't trying to make fun of you. But that was just really cute." Leon doesn't meet my eyes, and it's his turn to blush.

"Well, I'm not cute," I state, matter-of-factly. "And you, of all people, should know that."

He coughs, seemingly choking on air. "What? You _are too_ cute! Remember when you sent me that picture of you wearing a purple bow in your hair?" Leon pulls out his phone and scrolls for a few minutes until he finds said photo (which is, in fact, not cute).

"You know what I think?" I glare at him and his Hong Kong flag phone case, and snatch the device from him, before pushing him into the lake. "Go jump in a lake."

"What the fuck?!" He sputters, when he surfaces. He climbs out of the water and glares at me. "Em, what was that for?"

"You deserved it, for embarrassing me," I reply, airily, smirking over at him. His jaw drops, and he snatches his phone back, setting it on a tree stump, before pushing me into the water, too.

And I'm wearing my favorite hoodie.

I sigh, but stay in the water, despite how terribly freezing it is. Leon eventually gets back in the water.

We're so stupid.

*

At the end of the day, we both end up with fevers, Matthias concludes, and Brother sighs angrily.

Once again: we're so stupid. 


	8. Day Three: Hearts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ehren Edelstein: Kugelmugel  
> Alex Jones: Molossia  
> Romeo Vargas: Seborga  
> Lars Oxenstierna: Ladonia  
> Wendy Kirkland: Wy  
> Jake Kirkland: Hutt River

Brother and Matthias' wedding is soon.

I'm not too happy about that.

They're letting me help plan, and by "help" I mean they literally just left to go watch a movie in the living room, leaving me to do everything for them. So now, I'm stuck with Brother's neat organized planning charts and the Dane's messy notes on color scheme and food, not to mention I still have a FEVER.

I can hardly read Matthias' handwriting, it's so sloppy. I know he doesn't normally write like this, but he must've had way too much caffeine or _something_. It was very obvious he was writing very, _very_ quickly. I squint and try to read the words he wrote under a barely legible heading that reads 'Food'. Then, after figuring out what it says (of course, it says Danishes. I'm such an idiot.) I turn to Brother's chart and look for a place to put it.

 _What the fuck_. I stare at the chart in confusion, because I swear to God I've never seen this kind of chart before. I pull out my phone and take a picture of it, sending it to Leon.

**7:08 PM  
Emil: wtf kind of chart is this**

I set my phone down and pull my blanket tighter around me, shivering. I'm so cold.

I'm still questioning why Leon and I decided it was a good idea to swim around in freezing cold water for an entire afternoon in our clothes.

My phone buzzes, and I pick it up.

**7:10 PM  
Leon: No clue**

**7:10 PM  
Leon: Why are you working on that? You're sick.**

**7:10 PM  
Emil: my bro and the dane won't take that as an excuse**

**7:11 PM  
Emil: i'm helping them plan their wedding**

**7:11 PM  
Leon: Ew**

**7:11 PM  
Emil: yep**

**7:11 PM  
Emil: send help and a box of tissues**

**7:12 PM  
Leon: Haha, I wish**

**7:12 PM  
Leon: But I'm sick too**

**7:12 PM  
Leon: Just tell them that you're tired**

**7:13 PM  
Emil: i would, but it's just that it seems as though they're watching fifty shades of grey**

**7:13 PM  
Leon: Wait, really?**

**7:13 PM  
Emil: idfk it just sounds like it**

**7:14 PM  
Leon: *\\(^o^)/***

**7:14 PM  
Leon: If it is, tell me**

**7:15 PM  
Emil: i'm not going to CHECK, you perv!**

**7:15 PM  
Leon: WHOA, WHOA**

**7:15 PM  
Leon: YONG SOO is the perv, not ME!**

**7:16 PM  
Emil: weeell, you're both kinda pervs**

**7:16 PM  
Emil: i mean, you did steal kiku's r18 mangas that one time**

**7:17 PM  
Leon: Lol, "that one time"**

**7:17 PM  
Emil: ???**

**7:17 PM  
Emil: WAIT**

**7:18 PM  
Leon: ψ(｀∇´)ψ**

**7:18 PM  
Emil: leon are you reading them right now**

**7:19 PM  
Leon: Maybe**

**7:19 PM  
Leon: Maybe not**

**7:19 PM  
Leon: What do you think?**

**7:20 PM  
Emil: oh my god**

Last time Leon was reading his older brother's R-18 mangas, he brought them over to my house. Unfortunately, he'd left one behind in my closet and when Brother went in there to put my clothes away, he found it, picked it up, and read it, and I was grounded for three weeks.

Leon, despite how many times he'll try to deny it, is a total perv. Well, he's not as bad as Yong Soo, but he'll read and watch stuff that's rated R. Which is often what we end up watching when I go to his house, and I always end up scarred for life.

Let me just say, I'll never be able to look at...well, _anything_ the same way ever again.

Although, sometimes when I go over to his house, we'll watch some movie meant for little girls, and end up crying over it.

I like those movies a lot better.

**7:28 PM  
Leon: Emil**

**7:29 PM  
Leon: Emil**

**7:29 PM  
Leon: Emil**

**7:29 PM  
Leon: Emil**

**7:29 PM  
Emil: WHAT**

**7:30 PM  
Leon: I was just trying to see if you were still there**

**7:30 PM  
Leon: I think we figured out the chart**

**7:30 PM  
Emil: "we"?**

**7:30 PM  
Leon: I think you're supposed to organize them in the columns by type, and the rows by order of importance**

**7:31 PM  
Emil: what does that mean**

**7:31 PM  
Leon: Say, you put the heading "Food" at the top of the column. Then, the list of food is listed in the order of importance, so the main course would go first on the list, then the sides, then the dessert, then the appetizers**

**7:33 PM  
Leon: That's just a guess, but I showed Kiku and he thought that's what it was ^_^**

**7:34 PM  
Emil: oh**

**7:34 PM  
Emil: okay, thanks**

**7:35 PM  
Leon: Sure**

**7:36 PM  
Emil: okay, i should probably get back to organizing.**

**7:36 PM  
Leon: Uh, no**

**7:37 PM  
Leon: Go tell your brother to let you go to sleep.**

**7:37 PM  
Leon: How bad do you feel, on a scale of 1 to 10?**

**7:37 PM  
Emil: um, 6**

**7:38 PM  
Leon: eXACTLY, now go to bed**

**7:38 PM  
Emil: well, i mean my head really hurts and is really stuffy, and i'm sneezing, and it's really, really cold**

**7:39 PM  
Leon: Go to bed**

**7:39 PM  
Emil: it's really not that bad**

**7:40 PM  
Leon: Go to bed**

**7:40 PM  
Emil: no**

**7:40 PM  
Leon: Go to sleep**

**7:41 PM  
Emil: is that a reference to something?**

**7:41 PM  
Leon: It wasn't intended to be, but now that I read it again, I think it is**

**7:41 PM  
Leon: Also, go to bed**

**7:42 PM  
Emil: why do you want me to go to bed so badly?**

**7:42 PM  
Leon: Because you need sleep, Em**

**7:42 PM  
Leon: Especially since you're sick**

**7:43 PM  
Emil: funny, you don't seem to be sleeping**

**7:43 PM  
Leon: Well, no, I'm not, because I'm telling you to go to sleep**

**7:43 PM  
Emil: by the way, go to sleep and go to bed mean two different things**

**7:44 PM  
Emil: oh, and no**

**7:44 PM  
Leon: Ugh**

**7:45 PM  
Emil: fine**

**7:45 PM  
Emil: but only if you hush your mouth**

**7:45 PM  
Emil: also tell kiku i say thanks for the help with the chart**

**7:46 PM  
Leon: Okay**

**7:46 PM  
Leon: Good night, Emil ♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎**

**7:46 PM  
Emil: what's with the hearts?**

**7:47 PM  
Leon: Why?**

**7:47 PM  
Emil: um, no reason**

**7:47 PM  
Emil: goodnight**

I don't know what's up with Leon and sending all those hearts lately, but it's getting pretty weird. Like, sure, it's okay if someone's friend sends them, like, one or two hearts. But _eighteen_?

Eighteen hearts is overkill, as well as extremely embarrassing.

My face is burning even more after I set my phone down again. I can't tell if it's because of Leon being embarrassing, or because of my fever. Nevertheless, I go upstairs and grab a washcloth, soaking it in cold water, and filling up a cup with water and drinking the medicine that Brother told me to use to clear up my cold and fever.

I walk to my room and lay down in my bed, after sipping some of the cold water from my cup, and setting the cold cloth on my head.

I pull out my phone again and scroll through all Leon and I's texts from the past week or so.

 _Hearts_.

Hearts, hearts, hearts.

What does it _mean_?

*

The question continues to echo through my dreams, where Leon and I are talking in the weird empty purple space that's always in my dreams. Except, this time, it's snowing, and for some reason, Leon and I are walking around, going nowhere fast, holding hands.

And for some strange reason, I don't want to let go.

*

Part of Matthias and my brother getting engaged means that I have a nephew, now. _Technically_ , he's my nephew, and I'm his youngest Uncle. However, Matthias insists that he and Brother are my "parents" and I'm their "son", so with that logic, that means I'm his cousin.

My nephew/cousin's name is Peter, and he's the adopted son of Matthias' brother, Berwald, and Berwald's husband, Tino. He's a pretty good kid. He was raised by his British father who eventually put him in the orphanage, and Berwald and Tino adopted him after they got married. He likes to talk a lot, and he's kind of a crybaby, but he's gotten a little calmer lately. Whenever he comes over, we have to share a room, but that's perfectly fine. We get along well enough, and I never have to yell at him to go to sleep or shut up or anything.

He called me on the phone excitedly this morning to tell me that his parents had told him that I would be staying at his house while Brother and Matthias went on their honeymoon (which I'm glad, I don't want to go with them and have to hear them fuck EVERY SINGLE NIGHT. Which I know they'll do).

"Really, Peter?" I say, rubbing my eyes. The phone call woke me up, but that's okay, because it's almost two in the afternoon. "That's great!" My head's still stuffy, and I don't think my fever is gone, because my forehead is burning with heat when I touch it.

"Yeah!" Peter replies. I cringe at how loud his voice is and turn down the volume of the phone. It's not because he's being loud, it's just hurting my ears, which are especially sensitive today. "I'm really excited, we can play all my games and watch all my shows and play with Hanatamago! And you can even meet my friends!"

I've met his friends before. They're quite an odd bunch; Romeo Vargas is a hopeless romantic. Ehren Edelstein is an aspiring artist, always doing artsy stuff. Lars (who is technically Peter's brother) Oxenstierna is always on his laptop, I don't even know what the Hell he does on it. Alex Jones likes gardening and is actually pretty nice, but he refuses to let anybody see that and always covers it up by acting like a pissed-off asshole. Then, there's a narcissistic brat name Jake Kirkland. I don't like him much. And there's Leon's new brother, Raivis Galante, who's Latvian, likes romance novels, and has Tourettes. Peter's friend Wendy is the only sensible one.

"Cool," I say, instead. "Hey, Peter, do you mind if I ask you something?"

"No," He replies. "What's going on? Is something wrong?"

"No, I just wanted to ask when the wedding was." It's true. I did.

"No, let me check." I hear him move the phone away from his face and yell, "ISI! WHEN'S UNCLE MATTHIAS' WEDDING?"

"IT'S NEXT SATURDAY," I hear Tino (aka "Isi") call back.

I hear Peter move the phone near his face again. "Isi says it's next Saturday," he reports.

"Oh, thanks," I reply, rolling my eyes. I don't understand how this kid doesn't think I can hear him if he takes the phone away from his face. But it's pretty cute. "Okay, Peter, I'm going to have to go."

"Aww, why?" He whines. I can already tell he's making that puppy-dog face, his eyes all big and his lip poked out.

"Peter, I just woke up, and I'm hungry." I switch the phone to my other ear. "But that's very exciting news, I'm glad I get to stay with you."

"I'm glad, too! Wait, say hi to Isi and Pappa before you hang up, they want to know how you're doing!"

"Hey," I say, unenthusiastically.

"H'llo."

"Hi, Emil! How are you?" Tino asks. He sounds so cheerful.

"I'm okay," I reply. "I'm sick."

"Oh, hope you get better!" Tino replies, sounding a little piteous. "Peter can't wait to see you again."

"I know." I chuckle.

"I'll talk to you later, yeah?"

"Sure. Bye, Tino," I say, then as an afterthought I add, "And Peter and Berwald, of course. And Lars, wherever he is."

"I'm on the computer," I hear Lars call.

"Okay." Then, I hang up, laying back on my bed before pushing myself up into sitting position. "Okay..." I repeat. I comb my hair a little (it looks absolutely terrible when I look in the mirror. My part's all messed up), then go downstairs to find something to eat, trying to forget about Leon and the hearts and my dream last night.

My face is warm just thinking about it.

What's _wrong_ with me?

 


	9. Day Four: Curlicue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lukas + Floorboard Creak + Anxiety = You'll See What I Mean

My fever's gone after a few more hours of laying in bed, reading.

Brother's downstairs, reading a book on the couch in the living room, and the Dane's nowhere in sight. Shocking. I creep down the stairs and walk into the room with Brother.

A floorboard creaks, and he jumps, whipping around, scanning the air. He looks absolutely terrified, until his eyes focus on me. He sighs. I walk over to him, and he's still staring at me.

"Sorry," I say, quietly, giving him an apologetic half-smile.

"It's fine," he replies, before covering his face with his hands and taking a few deep breaths. "You just startled me, lillebror, that's all."

I sit down next to him on the couch and look at the book he's reading, which is about selkies; it's one of my favorite books. Brother bought me that book when I was about nine. I've read it hundreds of times. I remember Brother reading it to me before I went to sleep, too, when I was younger.

He notices me looking, and he turns it to an angle so that I can read it, too. He's reading _The Goodman O' Wasteness_. I sigh and read along in my head.

Brother closes the book after a while and looks up at the clock. "Dane's supposed to be back soon," he says to himself, setting the book on the end-table.

"Where is he?" I ask, out of curiosity.

"I don't know, he left this morning and only told me when he'd be back."

A part of me wishes he'd stay gone and never come back. However, I know that Brother would be so sad if that happened (or if I told him about wanting Matthias to never come back, for that matter). So I don't say anything.

"Emil?" Brother says, suddenly, staring at nothing.

"Yes?"

He turns to me. "How do you feel about Matthias?"

I jinxed myself just by thinking about it. Seriously, the Norns have it out for me, I'm telling you. Either that, or Brother just read my mind. "W-Why?" I ask, trying not to stutter and failing.

"You don't like him."

 _Shit..._ I bite my lip, clench my fists, and look away from him, instead looking at the design on the floor. White lines curlicue through the blue. I trace their path with my eyes, trying to look collected. Meanwhile, on the inside, I feel like I'm going to be sick. "No, I don't."

"Why?"

His question shocks me.

Because I don't _know_ why.

In fact, in that moment I realize that I have _never_ , in fact, known why.

Sure, he's obnoxious and loud, but so is Yong Soo. And I like Yong Soo just fine, even though he gets on my nerves sometimes.

But from the moment I met Matthias, I hadn't liked him. I've _never_ liked him. I've always _hated_ him.

I don't say anything. Instead, I stand up and walk away again. Like usual.

Brother doesn't say anything, either, which is fine with me.

I close the door to my room again. 


	10. Day Four: Normal

I can hear Matthias and Brother talking, downstairs. The Dane came back a few hours ago. I don't know why he was gone.

Now, I can hear someone coming up the stairs; the steps are too heavy to be Brother, I conclude, and promptly hide under the covers. If it isn't brother, then it's Matthias, and he's the last person I want to see right now.

Granted, I don't exactly want to see my brother, either. The only person I'd normally want to see is Leon, but then...I don't exactly want to see him, either.

I can't wait until I get to Peter's house. Then I won't have to deal with Brother, or Matthias, or anyone. I can play Peter's video games and watch TV and relax, like a normal teenager is supposed to do. Normal teenagers don't have to deal with their only somewhat fatherly figure getting married to someone they hate for absolutely no reason. Normal teenagers don't have to deal with their best friend sending them hearts through text for unknown reasons.

Do they?

_Knock knock knock._

I don't say anything in response, knowing Matthias is going to come in, anyway. I crawl under my asexual flag covers and pretend to be asleep. I hear the door creak open, and Matthias steps quietly inside. "Emil?" He asks, quietly, his voice wavering. I hear the crackle of plastic. I crack open one eye just barely, and watch as he walks a little closer, holding a mug and a plate and something I can't exactly make out. He sets all three objects on my desk, then turns back around and walks over to my bedside. "Has anybody ever told you you're not very good at pretending to sleep?" I open my eyes and glare at him, then sit up. He sits down on the edge of my bed. "I brought you something to eat, and a little treat. Want me to get it for ya?"

I shrug.

He takes it as a yes, and stands up, walking back over to my desk and picking up the mug and the plate, setting the plate in my lap, and the mug on my nightstand. He makes a second trip to get the other thing, which turns out to be licorice, and sets it next to the mug.

I look down at the plate, which holds waffles, doused in syrup and butter, and a fork. I pick up the fork and begin to eat.

Matthias sits there for a few more minutes, then smiles at me, stands up, and walks away.


	11. Day Five

Last night, Matthias went to bed early. The room he shares with Brother is right next to my room, so I could hear him in there. He turned on the TV in there to hockey or something. I heard the sounds of hockey for a while.

Then, next thing I knew, I heard him start crying.

I didn't know that he was capable of crying until last night. He always seemed so happy to me.

This morning, Matthias was gone again. I asked Brother why Matthias was crying.

He told me about Matthias' depression.

I didn't know.


	12. Day Five: Pizza

Brother told me I needed to get out of the house, so he took me over to my friend Matthew's house.

He doesn't like Leon too much (not that I wanted to see him...), but he likes Matthew well enough.

When he dropped me off, he told me that he wouldn't pick me up until around eight o'clock, since he had to pick Matthias up from therapy, and afterwards they were going to do more planning...so he told me I could have dinner at Matthew's, which is usually pretty good. His brother, Alfred, usually orders pizza or takes us out to get some fast food.

Alfred answered the door, and immediately let me in. His boyfriend (and Brother's good friend) Arthur's there, but other than that it was just him and Matthew. The TV was blaring, but it was still not as loud as Leon's house.

Now, Matthew and I are upstairs in his room, which is cold and quiet, as usual. We're playing some of his video games, in which my character keeps continuously dying by either walking off a ledge in burning lava, getting smashed by something, or getting killed by one of the enemy-monster-things. Meanwhile, Matthew and I talk a bit, but not a whole lot.

After dying for the millionth time, I almost throw the controller at the screen in frustration, because even though I don't care too much about video games, I'm still fucking pissed that I can't get through one level without dying at least ten times.

That's when my phone buzzes. I groan, pull it out of my pocket, and look at the caller. _Leon Wang_ , the screen says. My best friend who I haven't talked to for three days. Well, I have to answer, don't I?

I tap the answer button. "...Hey..." I say, slowly.

Matthew pauses the game and looks over at me. "Who's that?" He mouths.

"It's Leon," I reply, covering up the microphone for a moment.

"Oh."

"Hey, Em," Leon says, sounding a little relieved, and honestly, it's really nice to hear his voice. I've been used to communicating with him almost every day for years now, it's been so weird not talking to him.

But then, even so, this conversation is going to be weird anyway, after me somewhat freaking out about the hearts.

"Hey," I repeat again stupidly, unable to think of anything much to say.

There's silence on the other end for a few moments. "So..."

"So what?" I ask, desperately wanting the awkwardness to dissipate.

"I miss you," Leon sighs.

"Yeah, I've missed you, too."

"Can we hang out, soon?"

"Sure," I answer.

"When?"

"Soon."

"Now?"

"Not now, I'm with Matthew."

"... _Can_ it be now?"

"Why?"

"I need to leave my house, Emil, right now. Like, _seriously_ , right now. Can you tell Alfred to come get me, or something?"

It's then that I hear that his voice is all choked up, like he's either about to or already has started crying. "What's wrong? Is it Mei and Yao again?"

"No," he stutters, and then I can tell that something's really, _really_ wrong.

"All right, I'll ask someone here if they can drive me to get you," I say, biting my lip.

"Thanks."

I hang up, and Matthew's already turned the TV off and is standing up. "What's wrong?" Matthew asks, his eyes and his voice alike filled with concern.

"Something's wrong with Leon," I say, standing up straight. "Can we go pick him up?"

Matthew nods. "Sure, I guess," he states, chewing on his lip. He's pulled his fidget cube out of his pocket and is playing with it, as he always does when he's nervous. "I'll go ask Alfred for the car keys."

*

When we get to Leon's house, he's sitting outside by the mailbox, curled up in a ball. I get out of the car and walk up to him.

He's asleep, and his face is tear-stained. _He cried himself to sleep in front of his house._

That's something he would never do unless something was wrong.

I shake him, hard, trying to get him to wake up, which he does. He looks up at me with shiny, groggy, amber eyes. He doesn't say anything, he just smiles, and starts crying again, and holds me, tightly. I pull him up onto his feet and open the car door for him. He gratefully gets inside. I sit down next to him, and I hold his hand tightly. I don't know why, but my face is warm again, and I try to will it away. Leon isn't crying anymore, and he can see me, which is even more embarrassing than those hearts he's sent me.

We get back to Matthew's house, and Leon thanks him for the ride, giving him a hug, too, which Matthew clearly finds awkward, but isn't against it.

We get back up to Matthew's room, past Alfred and Arthur (who, for some reason, keeps staring at Leon).

"What's wrong, Leon?" Matthew asks him, when we settle down in our beanbag chairs. Leon's dragged his right next to mine, which earns a raised eyebrows from both Matthew and I, but we don't say anything.

"Yao's in the hospital," Leon says, staring up at the ceiling, fiddling with the zipper on his jacket. "He slipped and fell down the stairs this afternoon, and he's been unconscious since. I tried to call you and text you, Emil, but you didn't pick up, and I thought something had happened to you, too."

"Why-?" I start to ask, before Matthew interrupts me.

"How did he fall?"

"The steps were still wet from the rain this morning," Leon replies, "and he was going out to get the mail in his slippers, since he'd woken late."

My thoughts drown out the rest of his story, because I'm still busy thinking about that last thing he said. He'd thought something had happened to me, just because I wasn't picking up my phone?

What the Hell was I even doing? I don't remember him calling or texting or anything. But when I open my phone, Leon sent me over one hundred texts asking where I was earlier, and he called six times. It must have been while I was busy playing the game, and I'd finally realized he was calling after I got mad, and we paused.

But why would he have thought that something had happened to me? Maybe because his mind was stuck on what had happened to Yao, he was scared something similar had happened to me? Yet, I can't help but think _no_ , Leon thinks more rationally than that--even though that's probably what had happened.

Matthew turns the game back on, and he, Leon, and I play the game. When Leon leaves the room to get a snack, Matthew looks over at me.

"He likes you," he states, matter-of-factly, adjusting his glasses.

"Well, yeah, of course he does, he's my best friend."

Matthew shakes his head at me. "You really are oblivious, aren't you?"

Excuse him, _I'm not_ _oblivious_. Which is exactly what I say next. "I am not oblivious."

Matthew laughs at that. "And my name's not Matthew Williams."

I sigh at his sarcasm. He's being especially snippy today. Probably because Alfred invited Arthur over without asking Matthew, first. Seems like the kind of thing Matthew would get mad about.

Me too, actually, because Brother didn't ask me before he invited Matthias over to live at our house...as a permanent resident.

Leon comes back into the room, and Matthew drops the "oblivious" conversation. _Thankfully_. I didn't understand what he was trying to say.

Didn't then, don't now.

*

Sure enough, a few minutes later Alfred asks us what kind of pizza we want. We end up asking for a pizza that's half cheese and half pepperoni, because the three of us can't agree.

So, he orders it, and twenty eight minutes later, the pizza person rings the doorbell and delivers the pizza, and Alfred calls us downstairs.

Three whole pizzas.

One is a white pizza with tomatoes and spinach, one is, I'm assuming, a meat-lover's pizza, and then the last one is what Leon, Matthew, and I ordered. They come with an order from Alfred to Matthew to definitely not tell their mother about this, as well as a side of garlic knots.

And the icing on the cake is that it's from the Italian-German restaurant Brother and Matthias tried to drag me to that one night.

Which brings back so many _amazing_ (note the sarcasm) memories, of scraping up my favorite boots, of trudging down a three mile road from a concert to Yong Soo's car while half-asleep, of laying on top of an uncomfortable car roof...

...and of being with Leon.

Well, that last one...was _actually_ amazing. I smile.

Then I terminate the smile when I see Leon and Matthew staring at me.

And I terminate the thought, too. What the Hell, what was I thinking...

I take a bite of my pepperoni pizza slice and stare angrily at the ground.

*

Matthias picks me and Leon up and drives us home. He drove Leon since he didn't have a ride, and after many pleads from him, the Dane finally gave in and said we could have a sleepover, agreeing that it would probably be a bad idea to bring Leon home right now.

Brother was watching TV in the living room. He didn't notice us, which was good. He would have yelled at Matthias for letting Leon come over and probably would have driven him straight home.

Leon and I hide out in my room.

The awkwardness dissipated when I picked him up this afternoon. I'd almost forgotten all about the hearts.

Almost.

Leon lies down on his back on my bed and sighs. "Have I ever told you how much I love this bed?" He says, looking over at me.

"No," I say, frowning over at him.

"Oh, well, I do."

I lay down next to him. "Why do you love it so much?"

"It's much bigger than mine."

That's true. His bed's a twin. Mine's queen-sized. "Is that all?"

"The colors are pretty, too."

"Asexual flag," I reply.

"Asexual flag," he nods, spreading out his arms and legs. He looks like a star. "Emil, do you know what demisexual means?"

"No."

"The colors are the same as the asexual flag. The design's just different."

I nod. "Mhm."

"Emil, I think I'm demisexual."

"I think _I_ want to know what that means."

He chuckles, and shifts so he's turned on his side, looking at me. "It means I don't feel any sexual attraction to anyone unless I know them very well."

"Uh-huh, and how'd you figure _that_ out?" I'm still staring at the ceiling. Meanwhile, the moon is slowing starting to shine through my window, casting a glow over my room.

Leon doesn't answer, and instead he sighs. "I hope Yao's okay," he says, looking back up at the ceiling.

"I do, too," I reply, patting his shoulder, because I don't really know what to do to comfort someone like this.

"You're a good friend, Emil."

"Thanks." I sit up, push myself off of my bed, and walk over to the cabinet that holds all my DVDs. "What do you want to watch?" I ask Leon, turning around to look at him, and he's sitting up, too.

"What do you have?" He asks, shrugging.

"Um, some of those...princess movies. Oh, and a Finnish horror movie about Santa." I delve deeper into the cabinet. "Some of those...war movies that are set in space?"

"The Finnish one sounds interesting," he answers. "Though how can someone make Santa scary?"

"I have no idea," I reply, pulling the disc out and putting it in the DVD player. I turn on the TV. "And for some reason, at the climax of the movie, there's a whole bunch of naked Santas. It's weird. Tino brought it last time he visited." I look back at him. "Do you need to borrow something to sleep in?"

He nods, and I stand up from my place on the floor and walk over to my dresser, opening it to see if I can find anything in there that would fit him. "Em, why didn't you want to hang out with me for the past few days?" He asks, and I turn around.

Well, may as well tell him the truth. "I was kind of freaking out about the hearts you sent me," I say, turning to see him. He's sitting on the edge of my bed, looking a little curious.

The curiosity faded after I said that, though. Instead, his face is suddenly... _well_ , I don't know exactly what to call it, but it certainly isn't good. "What?" He asks, quietly.

"You sent me-"

"Hearts, yes," he replies, looking a little worried. "I didn't mean to do that."

What's wrong with him? "Leon?"

"Emil, I-" Then he stops himself, and sighs, calming down. "I'm sorry about that. I didn't mean to send you those. Can you just forget about them? Please?"

I nod. "Sure, but how did you _accidentally_ send me hearts?"

Leon shakes his head. "Please just drop it."

I turn back to the dresser, confused, but continue rooting through the drawers. "Do you think you can fit my clothes?" I ask, frowning at the amalgam of clothing.

"Maybe," he replies. "They might be a little big."

"Okay." I pull out some black gym shorts and a red shirt and throw them at him. "Here."

"Hey, don't throw things," he says, as he puts his hands out to stop them from hitting him in the face.

"Sorry," I reply, unapologetically, pulling out a thin grey sweater and white shorts for me, before walking over to the closet and pulling off the clothes I wore today. I change into the clean "pyjamas" (or, rather, loose clothes that I shoved in my pyjama drawer). I don't know if normal people are comfortable with changing in front of their best friends, but I'm still not comfortable with doing so. When I walk back out into the room, Leon's still in the middle of changing his shirt.

He's small, but he's still strong. He has a nice, toned stomach and muscles on his arms.

I don't. I'm small, and I don't get out much during the summer, unless Brother forces me.

I sit down on my bed again and face the TV, grabbing the remote and fast-forwarding through all the trailers. "Hey, WHOA!" Leon says, and he snatches the remote from me, still half-shirtless. He glares at me. "I like watching the trailers!"

"I don't."

"Let me watch them!"

"Fine," I sigh. My stuffed puffin, Mr. Puffin, is nearby, too, so I curl up in my asexual flag blankets and hold him in my arms, sitting up so I can see the screen.

After Leon puts on his shirt, he lays his head down in my lap and looks at the screen.

I don't question him.


	13. Day Six: Morning

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I broke the pattern of the Day Numbers, I know, but it's intentional, I swear.

Leon is beautiful when he's asleep.

I've never noticed that before.

I woke up, and Leon's head was on my stomach, and he was hugging me like I was a fucking teddy bear (and he still is). It feels nice, even though I hate to admit it. And my cheeks warm up at that thought. If my brother was seeing this, and hearing my thoughts, he'd kill me. Though somehow, I don't mind.

My phone buzzes on the nightstand, and I pick it up, being careful not to disturb Leon, and look at the text.

**5:43 PM  
Yong Soo: Is Leon with you?**

**5:43 PM  
Emil: yep, he's asleep**

**5:43 PM  
Yong Soo: Why didn't you tell us, though?**

**5:44 PM  
Emil: we forgot**

**5:44 PM  
Emil: it was a last minute decision**

**5:45 PM  
Yong Soo: Why?**

**5:45 PM  
Emil: he didn't want to go back home**

**5:46 PM  
Yong Soo: Eh, I guess that makes sense**

**5:46 PM  
Yong Soo: I'll tell Katyusha that he's all right.**

**5:46 PM  
Emil: why her?**

**5:47 PM  
Yong Soo: Well, Ivan's at the hospital with Brother, so there's really nobody else**

**5:47 PM  
Emil: how is yao doing?**

**5:47 PM  
Yong Soo: He has a concussion**

**5:48 PM  
Yong Soo: But let Leon know that he's okay!**

**5:48 PM  
Emil: a concussion is not 'okay'**

**5:48 PM  
Yong Soo: Well, he's fine in the sense that the doctors don't think he's going to die or anything, then.**

**5:49 PM  
Emil: okay, i'll let him know when he wakes up**

**5:49 PM  
Yong Soo: Okay, I'll see you later.**

**5:49 PM  
Yong Soo: OH! And thanks for picking him up yesterday, he wasn't reacting very well to the situation.**

**5:50 PM  
Emil: okay bye**

**5:50 PM  
Yong Soo: Bye!!!**

I roll my eyes and set my phone back down, laying my head back on my pillow.

I feel Leon shift. "Emil?" He whispers, sleepily.

Dammit, I was trying not to wake him up. I look down to see his amber eyes half-open. "Sorry," I say, quietly. "Did I wake you up?"

"Yeah," he replies, before sitting up and crawling on his knees so he's laying next to me instead of below me. "You kneed me in the stomach."

"Oh, sorry," I say again, gritting my teeth. "I didn't mean to wake you up."

"It's fine." He flops backward and looks over at the window. "The moon really does shine through your window, then," he murmurs. The moon isn't out there now, but it certainly was earlier. It illuminated my whole room.

"Did you think I was lying about that?"

"Not really." He coughs. "Can you get me some water?"

I nod. "Sure." I needed water too. I stand up, my back cracking like an old man's (even though I'm seventeen, what's that all about?), and walk to the door, unlocking it and walking out into the hall.

I stop outside the Danish guy and my brother's room, because the door is slightly ajar and dim light is spilling across the floor. I can hear someone crying inside, but quietly, which is probably why I couldn't hear it from my room. I peek inside the small crack between the door and the frame curiously.

Brother is on his knees on the bed, as is Matthias, and their arms are wrapped around each other, Brother's head nestled between Matthias' neck and shoulder. One of them, and I'm certain it's Matthias, is shushing Brother, whispering things so softly and gently that I can't exactly hear, but I can make a few guesses of what he was saying.

Brother lets go of Matthias and looks at him, before embracing him again, their lips meeting, and Matthias says afterwards, "I love you, Lukas, please don't forget that."

And Brother replies, except I don't hear it. Instead, I back away from the door. I finally become aware of the tears welling in my eyes and running down my face. And I try to stop them, I swear, but they won't listen to me.

Brother and Matthias love each other so much.

I wonder if it's my fault Brother's crying. I wonder if it's because I don't want him and Matthias to be together. I regret those thoughts. I don't want him to cry. I don't want him to feel awful because he's marrying someone his little brother hates. I want him to be happy, and experience the love he never experienced when he was on the streets.

For some reason, my mind goes to Leon, whenever I think back to what I just saw through the door. _Why?_

Why _Leon?_

"Emil?"

I turn around to see Matthias and Lukas, standing in their now _very_ open doorway, looking down at me with matched expressions or fear, worry, and concern. This makes me cry even harder, and I turn away from them again, covering my face with my hands. I'm sobbing now, and I know I look like a fucking baby, but I don't care and yet I still care so much at the same time. I don't want to show Matthias or Brother that I'm weak. And at that moment I realize Matthias really, really cares about me. He cares about me almost as much as Brother does. And yet I hate him. I hate him, and he's trying so hard to make me happy and comfortable and used to him.

I feel strong, warm arms lifting me up, and I can hear Leon's tired-but-concerned voice asking what happened, and Brother's voice telling him to go back to sleep and that I'll be back in a few minutes. Seconds later, I'm in Matthias' lap on their bed, and Brother is combing through my hair with his fingers, singing softly.

I slowly calm down, and Matthias sighs with relief, and Brother pushes my bangs away from my forehead and kisses me softly there.

"Are you okay, now?" Brother asks, his voice quiet and gentle, unlike usual. His indigo eyes are filled with worry, and so are Matthias' blue ones, when I look over at him. I nod, unable to say much for fear that I might start crying again.

"What happened?" Matthias asks, his voice soft, too.

"I heard crying, and I..." My voice is still incredibly shaky, and I try to regain control. "...I looked in to see what was the matter, and...y-you two love each other so much, and I want you to be happy, Big Brother, but I don't--" I stop myself, seeing Matthias' hurt look. He knows I was about to say that I didn't like him. "--I just can't."

I see Brother smile a little at 'Big Brother', but I don't care about that right now. I know he's not going to say anything, unless, of course, he wants to make me feel even worse. "Lillebror, is that all?" He asks, slowly, hesitantly. "You've seemed quite stressed for the past few days, I'm sure that that isn't just it."

I know in my heart that it's not good to keep things inside, or else I'll explode like a volcano...though I think I've about reached that point. But I'm not going to tell them about the whole thing regarding Leon and the hearts and my dreams. Because then, Matthias would say something stupid, like, "OOOOOOO, SOMEONE HAS A CRUSH ON LEONNN!" Even though I don't, and I never have, and I never will.

That's why I say, "That's all."

"Are you sure?"

I nod, feeling the tears well up again. "I don't want you to be with anyone, Lukas, because it feels like you're being taken away from me." I don't know. That's the best way I can put it right now. "But I want you to be happy."

Brother looks down at me. "That's very mature of you to say, Emil," he replies, his face softening. He hugs me, and I hug him back, because Brother always gives me nice hugs and it reminds me of when I was younger and it was just him and I.

Then Matthias joins in. I don't shrink away from his touch, and I feel him smiling.

There's a wordless goodbye, and I walk out of their room and downstairs to get Leon his glass of water. Then I walk back upstairs. Matthias and Brother's door is closed, and the lights are off. I open the door to my room, and Leon's sitting by the door. He jumps and hugs me. I almost spill the freezing cold water on the floor.

"Are you okay?" He asks, concerned, wiping a stray tear off my face.

"Yeah," I reply, handing him his water glass.

He takes a sip. "Thank you," he says, afterwards, smiling at me. He sets the cup down on my desk again. "What happened?"

And so, I tell him what happened, being careful to be quiet, because I know that these walls aren't soundproof, and I definitely do NOT want to keep Brother and Matthias up. I also tell him that Yao is "fine in the sense that the doctors don't think he's going to die or anything." He's glad to hear it. So glad, in fact, he hugs me again, and kisses me on the cheek, which makes me blush bright red.

_I'm so confused..._

We go to sleep again around seven AM.

_Hopefully Brother lets us sleep in._

*

At ten, I woke up after another dream.

Leon and I were kissing in the middle of a forest.

And I think I liked that dream, too.


	14. Day Six: Out

Remember when I said I'd never have a crush on Leon?

I think I lied.

I do.

 


	15. Part Two: Day Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Aaaaaaaand, we've entered Part Two! I hope you guys enjoy this, and I always appreciate comments and reviews. Constructive criticism is welcome as well.

I realize this while Matthias is driving me to Peter's house. He and Brother had decided that it would probably be better for me to stay there before the wedding, after what happened two nights ago.

"Matthias," I say, looking up at him.

He's devoted his full attention to the road, but just for a second, his eyes flick to the rearview mirror and meet mine. "Yes, Emil?"

"How does it feel to be in love?"

I hate for him to be the one I'm asking. But I know if I asked Brother, he'd know I was asking to confirm my own feelings about someone and get angry. Matthias is my only option.

Besides, Brother is at home. He wanted to drive me, but Matthias told him no. Brother hasn't been feeling his best since our talk the other night. Matthias was afraid that if Brother drove me, he'd feel even worse. I don't know why.

"Well," he says, slowly, "it feels...good. And also bad. It can heal you, but it can hurt you, too. But...it always turns out right in the end, if it's true love." I have known this man for months and months, and yet I've never heard him say something so deep and thoughtful before. It kind of scares me. "Why do you ask?"

I blush. "I don't know," I reply, looking down at my feet. I'm wearing black shoes. I don't often wear them, but my boots are still scratched up, and my other shoes are packed in the back of the car.

"Do you think you're in love?" He asks, meeting my eyes again, his blue eyes curious. I nod, my eyes still on my shoes. I kick the seat in front of me, my face growing even warmer. Curse my obvious responses to embarrassment. He laughs a little. "It's that Leon kid, isn't it?"

"How did you know?"

"You look at him like he's the greatest thing you've ever seen in the world," Matthias answers. "Just like how he looks at you."

He _does_ look at me that way, doesn't he.

"How much do you love my brother?"

"So much that I want to spend the rest of eternity with him. I mean, _hello_ , I said yes when he proposed to me!" He chuckles, a smile forming on his face. This time, I don't want to slap it away.

I smile a little too. "Don't tell him about me being in love with Leon," I say, finally, after a few moments of silence.

Matthias nods, and turns his attention back to the roads. "I promise, Emil," he salutes.

I roll my eyes and turn my attention back to my phone, where there's an unopened text from Leon.

I open it.

**9:32 AM  
Leon: Hey, Emil. Are you there?**

**9:36 AM  
Emil: yep**

My fingers hover over the keyboard for a few moments, before I start typing.

**i think i love you.**

_Nope_. I hit backspace.

**i love you.**

I facepalm, hit backspace again. _No, I can't tell him today,_ I decide.

So that's why:

**9:38 AM  
Emil: hey.**

*

Peter is sitting outside the house when Matthias pulls up in the driveway. He's sitting in a blue lawn chair, clearly waiting for something. Also known as me, given that his face is lighting up like he just saw someone famous when he sees me.

"Emil!" He yells, running up to the car as soon as I get out, throwing his arms around me. _For a twelve year old, he sure is short._ "Uncle Matthias!"

"Hej, Peter!" Matthias says, running around the car and scooping Peter up onto his shoulders. "I missed you, buddy!"

"I missed you too, Uncle," Peter replies in his cute little English accent, hugging Matthias when he puts him down. "Do you want to go say hi to Pappa and Isi?"

"Well, they're my best bros, so of course!" Matthias chuckles. He's back to his old loud self again. I take a deep breath through my nose and sigh, going around to the back of the car to get all my bags out. By myself, I might add. All _five_ of my bags. Plus my pillow.

I'm not too happy about carrying everything by myself, as you can tell.

Thankfully, Tino takes some of my bags off my hands when I get inside, and after we take them upstairs to Peter's room, he gives me a hug. "I'm so glad you're here," he says genuinely, his purple eyes shining. "Peter is, too. Sorry he made you carry everything by yourself, though. If I was there, he'd have been helping you."

"It's okay," I lie. "Thanks for the help. I'm glad to be here."

"Good!" Tino says. "Do you need any help unpacking, or are you all right doing this by yourself?"

"I don't need anymore help, don't worry," I reply, waving him off. I follow him back downstairs, where Matthias is saying hi to his Brother, Berwald. And by saying hi, I mean hanging all over him, talking to him and Tino with his arm slung over Berwald's shoulder, while he's glaring at the Dane silently. Meanwhile, Peter is jumping on the couch cushions excitedly. He likes when people visit, because apparently, according to him, his brother is boring af (well, he didn't say 'af' but) and Berwald and Tino aren't as fun as Matthias, his other friends, and I.

Finally, they stop having their adult conversations, and Matthias turns to me, smiling. "All right, Icey, I'll seeya next Saturday!"

"Okay," I reply, shrugging. Was he expecting me to run up to him and hug him? Sing some goodbye song like they do in the movies? His face certainly looks like he was.

"Icey, can I please have a hug?"

He _was_. I sigh and walk up to him, giving him a one-armed hug, but he wraps both his arms around me and squeezes me to death. Then he lets go, ruffles my hair, and waves. "Bye, Emil. Berry. Tino. Peter." He waves, then walks out of the house and to the car.

Peter's still jumping on the couch. I finally notice Lars, on his computer on the couch, right by where Peter is jumping. Lars looks like he's about ready to snap, so I ask Peter about his new games. His eyes immediately widen with excitement, as I knew they would, and he launches himself off the couch and he runs upstairs. I follow him.

"Peter, no running in the house," Tino calls up the stairs.

"Sorry, Isi!" He calls back down. He doesn't sound sincere, and Tino sighs and shakes his head at me.

"I'm sorry about him. He was really excited when he found out you'd be coming earlier than expected."

"It's okay, Tino," I reply, shrugging. I go up the stairs again to Peter's playroom (it's technically Lars', too, but he never really goes in there) and sit down in one of the beanbag chairs in front of the giant TV screen. Peter is in the beanbag next to me, already having turned on the console.

"I'm happy to see you, Emil!" He says, smiling happily at me. "It's been so boring here, lately, and I've had nothing to do. I've tried to invite Raivis over, but he says that his family's busy. It's not fair!"

I remember that Yao is still hurt, and remember how that must be affecting the rest of his family.

It's certainly affected Leon and Ivan, I know that.

Thinking of Leon, I pull out my phone again, biting my lip.

**9:39 AM  
Leon: Hey.**


	16. Day Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter took so long :3

I don't text Leon back.

Currently, Peter's asleep, and I'm on my phone, scrolling through posts on another run-of-the-mill social media site, bored. It's about 1 AM.

Tino told me I could stay up as long as I wanted; he often stays up during the night to watch movies and eat his secret stash of ice cream (that I'm _definitely_ not allowed to tell Peter about but am _certainly_ allowed to help myself to). Yeah, he offered me the opportunity to stay downstairs, but I really don't want to watch cooking and home improvement shows. Or horror movies with naked Santas. Or horror movies. Or Santa movies. And I bet you a million bucks that that's all he watches.

And so, I'm upstairs on the spare air mattress right by Peter's window. I tried to go to sleep, but I couldn't.

I see a post from some LGBTQ+ account, and lo and behold, it's about demisexuality, which--if you missed it--is what Leon identifies himself as now. I sigh, pinch the bridge of my nose. I don't think however much space is between him and I matters any more. Everything I see reminds me of him at this point.

I open my messages to him. His reply from 9:39 AM is still there, and a feeling of guilt accumulates in the pit of my stomach.

**1:04 AM  
Emil: i'm here**

Not the best reply.

But since I'm overtired, I honestly don't give a flying fuck about anything at this point.

It seems as though Leon was just staring at his phone the whole time, waiting for me to text back, because his reply shows up just seconds later.

**1:04 AM  
Leon: I'm here, too. What a coincedence.**

**1:05 AM  
Emil: what's with the fast reply, creep**

**1:05 AM  
Leon: Okay, first of all, not a creep, that's Yong Soo**

**1:05 AM  
Leon: Second of all, what's up with your LATE reply? This is seriously late, even for you.**

**1:06 AM  
Emil: well, sorry, but i kinda had other things to do.**

**1:06 AM  
Leon: What could possibly be any more important than me?**

**1:07 AM  
Emil: i didn't exactly want to talk to you, actually**

**1:07 AM  
Leon: Why not?**

**1:07 AM  
Emil: well**

**1:08 AM  
Leon: That hurt.**

**1:08 AM  
Leon: Like, a lot.**

**1:09 AM  
Emil: i didn't mean it like that.**

**1:09 AM  
Leon: ???**

I can't tell him.

What if he hated me? And never wanted to talk to me, ever again?

And those thoughts, however cliché they may seem, are valid, because that happened to my friend Matthew. He had a crush on this guy, and they were really, _really_ good friends, until Matthew told the guy he liked him. The fucker found hanging around Matthew a bit awkward after that and stopped hanging out with him.

I don't want that to happen with Leon and I.

However, Leon's next text chills me to my bones.

**1:09 AM  
Leon: What, is it because you like me, or something? XD**

Well, what am I supposed to say to that?

 _Nothing_ , my subconscious says. So, nothing it is.

I put my phone facedown on my chest and stare at the ceiling as my phone continues to buzz with texts. Probably of Leon asking where I am.

I pick up my phone again.

**1:10 AM  
Leon: Emil?**

**1:10 AM  
Leon: Emil?**

**1:11 AM  
Leon: Heyyyy**

**1:11 AM  
Leon: Yoo hoo, Emmy**

**1:12 AM  
Leon: Em?????**

**1:12 AM  
Leon: Where did you go?**

**1:13 AM  
Leon: Are you okay?**

**1:14 AM  
Leon: ...**

**1:20 AM  
Leon: If I told you I loved you, would you reply then?**

I try to inhale, but I can't.

Instead, I make a weird squeaking noise.

What am I supposed to say to _that?_

**1:23 AM  
Emil: i dunno**

That was a legitimate question. A few suggestions would be nice, Brain.

**maybe i love you too?**

**bro same XD**

**um...**

I can't find a good response. _Fucking DAMMIT!_ Why the Hell is it so hard to talk to him now?!

I sigh grumpily, a little louder than I meant. I put down my phone and look up towards Peter's bed. He's shifting around a little bit. I hope and pray I didn't wake him up. He mumbles something tiredly, then stops moving again.

He's asleep.

I envy him.

I tap out a quick response and send it to Leon, before turning off my phone and hiding it inside my pillow case, because I really don't want to see Leon's reply to this:

**1:27 AM  
Emil: i love you too. and i hate myself for it.**

Which no, I do _not_ hate myself for loving Leon, though I can't say I'm not _ashamed_. I am definitely ashamed. Brother doesn't like Leon, and I've taken pride in being aromantic-asexual (I found out that's what I'd been for a _looooong_ time in one of the LGBTQ+ posts) for so long. Besides, LEON IS A GUY. I've never been attracted to guys before. Or, well, anyone, but that's besides the point.

I shove my face in my pillow and start crying.

I don't know why. It just feels right.


	17. Day Eight: Love?

I turn on my phone the next morning to find a bunch of texts. Some of them are paragraphs long, some are shorter, only one sentence or so. Nevertheless, I don't read them. They're all from Leon, I already know.

Thus begins the second period of me completely ignoring Leon.

I don't know why I opt to do this instead of face what's bothering me, but then, I've seen the movies. Everyone who does end up facing what bothers them ends up hurt or dead.

 _Hurrah_.

I look out the window, and unlike at home, where Brother and Matthias are presently, I don't see a house right next to me. Instead, I see a grassy green meadow, a few evergreen trees dotting the scenery here and there. It's calm and honestly beautiful out there, but I prefer the misty lake in my backyard, and all of the trees. Brother sometimes says he sees Nøkken in the lake, which is another reason he got mad at me for swimming in it with Leon the other day, but I've never seen anything of the sort.

Berwald and Tino had actually lived right by Brother and I, until a few months ago, when they adopted Peter and Lars. Then they moved to the country. I never caught the reason why.

Shifting my gaze from the window, I look over at Peter's still-slumbering form. I'm surprised the light from outside didn't wake him up. It nearly blinded me. Not wanting to wake him, though, I stay in bed and look around his room.

Peter's always acted a little younger than his actual age, which is twelve-and-a-half. However, his room was clearly given an upgrade since the last time I was here. The walls are painted a darker blue, and there's more pirate pictures there. His bed's a little bigger, too, and is painted black. He's always liked pirates and the sea in general.

I sigh. Sometimes, I wish I could be like Peter; young, innocent, with loving parents. He's not afraid of his friends hating him or his life falling apart or any of the stuff I'm worried about. He's so lucky.

Sure, Brother was an amazing "parent", but he's always been a little bit overprotective. I guess I can understand that, though.

I pull my phone out once more and scroll through the texts, skimming them for anything of dire importance. I don't see much of anything of the sort. However, there are a few texts (an understatement) from Leon and Brother that are sort of (another understatement) dire.

**1:27 AM  
Leon: Wait, what?**

**1:27 AM  
Leon: You**

**1:28 AM  
Leon: Like ME?**

**1:28 AM  
Leon: I don't understand**

**1:28 AM  
Leon: Emil, you mean you LOVE ME, love me?**

**1:28 AM  
Leon: Please answer me**

**1:29 AM  
Leon: Please???**

**1:33 AM  
Leon: Emil, I love you too. And I don't know what I'll do if you don't answer this. Just know that when you're ready to talk to me, I'll answer. I swear. It doesn't matter to me if you hate the fact that you love me. Not to say that statement didn't hurt, but, it didn't make me care about you any less. And you don't have to date me if you don't want. I'm not forcing you.**

Guilt fills me to the brim and I feel it about to start spilling from my eyes.

I quickly switch to the texts from Brother, but they aren't much better.

**7:45 AM  
Lukas: Lillebror,** **please call me when you wake up. I miss you. It's stressful here now, without you.**

**7:47 AM  
Lukas: Also, Matthias says that you think you are in love. He won't say with who, but I think I know who it is.**

**7:49 AM  
Lukas: Please don't get hurt, Lillebror. Mentally or physically. If you decide to date this person, just promise me you will not get hurt. But do not strain your relationship by not talking to him. Whenever I tried to get over Matthias by refusing to communicate with him, I ended up breaking a little inside. I don't want anyone else that I care about broken.**

**7:42 AM  
Lukas: Be good to Tino and Berwald. Stay safe. I love you.**

**7:42 AM  
Lukas: ♥︎**

I put my phone down. The Guilt runs freely down my face as tears, and I'm crying again, and I feel everything grow freezing around me.

"Emil?" Peter asks sleepily from his bed. "Are you okay?" I cover myself with the sheets and curl up under them. I hear Peter sitting up, then I hear his socked feet on the floor, shuffling over to me. This kid is too sweet. I feel his small, warm hand on my back. "I can get Isi if you want," he offers, softly. I shake my head, but still he stands up and runs out of the room.

I try to stop the tears running down my face, and wipe them with the sleeves of my black hoodie. The fabric soaks up the tears, but doesn't stop them.

"Oh my God," Tino says from the doorway, and he runs over in his Christmas-themed pyjamas, his eyes wide. "Emil, what happened?"

"Nothing happened," I grumble, even though I know for certain I look otherwise. He narrows his eyes at me, and he looks concerned while at the same time angry, which is something I've only ever known Tino for being able to do. "Fine," I reply. "Lukas and Leon. They sent me some texts, that's all, it's not a big deal."

Tino frowns. He gestures to my phone. "May I...?"

I shake my head. "I'd be more comfortable with showing Berwald." Which is true. Berwald wouldn't make a big deal out of those texts. He'd listen to everything I'd say without openly judging me.

Tino looks hurt by that, but goes and gets Berwald.

Said tall Swedish man sits down next to me on the air mattress a minute later. I hand him my phone, and he scrolls through the texts from Leon and the texts from Lukas. After he reads them all, he looks up at me, hands back my phone. "Sorry about that," he says, quietly, in his deep voice. He bites his lip a bit and looks down at the floor. "Ya should answer your friend."

I shake my head. The tears slow down, though, thankfully. That's exactly what I was trying to do. Make the tears go away, I mean. "I can't."

Berwald tilts his head at me, his eyes seeming to ask, 'Why?'

I pull my knees to my chest and settle my face on them. "I like him."

"That's not a good reason," Berwald replies thoughtfully. "Ya told 'im how ya felt yet?" I nod. "There's nothin' to be scared've, if he already knows."

He does have a point. _But then..._ "What about my brother?"

"He loves ya, Emil, there's nothin' really to say except that ya love 'im, too." The phone's still in my hands, and I can feel the small cracks on the screen under my palm. I lift my head from my knees and turn it over so I can look at it. The messages are still there, unopened, and I'm sure Brother is freaking out over that. Berwald pats me on the back, and smiles a little, which is extremely rare. Usually, his smile's reserved for Tino and occasionally Peter. I'm not sure if I should be honored or something. "Whatever ya decide t' do, I'm sure that it's going to turn out all right." He stands up, and walks out of the room.

That's the thing about Berwald, he always seems so emotionless and quiet, and yet on the inside he's so warm and soft and wise. He has trouble showing his emotions the way he wants to, but when he _really_ tries, it's mind-blowing (albeit a bit scary). Sometimes, he even _smiles_. He smiles even less than my brother, which is saying something. He's certainly never smiled at me until now. Like I said before, they're usually reserved for Tino.

I decide to feel honored.

I also decide to text back. 


	18. Day Eight: Television

Now I can understand why Peter was so excited for me to come over. Apparently, things aren't going very well between Berwald and Tino. Well, nobody _told_ me, but I can kind of tell. Breakfast this morning seemed very tense. Tino got mad because Berwald wouldn't help him clean the dishes after breakfast, and started going off, saying Berwald didn't contribute to the family at all, and _blah blah blah_. It was very awkward, seeing all that happen. Peter seemed very upset, and he still seems so, even a few hours afterward. I feel really bad for him.

He and I are watching an anime on his big TV, but I keep zoning out, not really paying attention to what's happening. Instead, my mind trails back to what happened at breakfast, even though I keep trying desperately to forget it.

Basically, Tino was making pancakes at the counter, and he was making the last batch when Berwald sat down at the breakfast table, shut the top of Lars' laptop, and looked down at the table.

Lars glared at Berwald, his eyes aflame with fury. "HEY!" Berwald, as usual, ignored him.

Tino turned and looked at his husband, and smiled. "Hey, Ber, can you help me with these after breakfast?" He swept his hand at all the pots and pans and mixing bowls he'd used to make the pancakes.

Berwald shook his head, his still stone-faced. "S'rry, I have work."

Tino's expression immediately changed from cheery to pissed af in a matter of seconds. He put his hands on his hips. "Yeah, Berwald, I understand that, but you still need to do a little work here."

Berwald sighed, settling his chin in his hand. His face clearly said, _"Here we go again."_

Tino narrowed his eyes. "Don't give me that look. You're part of this family, too, so you have to contribute."

From next to me at the table, Peter spoke up quietly. "Isi? Can I ha--"

Tino whipped around and gave Peter an incredibly fake smile that definitely didn't reach his eyes. It was the kind of smile that made me worried for his sanity, as well as for my own safety. Nevertheless, I was admittedly terrified. "One moment, Peter, your father and I are having a discussion."

Peter kicked the table leg, and mumbled, "Not another one." He looked down in his lap and sadness filled his blue eyes. I wanted to take him away from there at that moment. I don't what it's like to have your own parents fighting, but it didn't seem like it was very much fun (not that I thought it was fun in the first place).

Meanwhile, Berwald and Tino were still arguing.

"I _do_ c'ntribute, I go out n' earn m'ney for us."

Tino threw his hands up in the air, exasperated. "ANYONE can go out, work, and earn money! But you have responsibilities HERE, too, and you need to RECOGNIZE that!"

_"Tino."_

"Berwald, sometimes it just seems like I'm the only one who's doing anything around here. I know you earn money, and I'm grateful for that, but...I just wish you were _here_ more to help."

Berwald sighed. "I'll help ya wash the dishes."

After serving everyone pancakes, Tino sighed and put the dishes in the sink. "I'm sorry about getting so angry. You know I appreciate everything you do, Ber," Tino said, walking over to Berwald and kissing him.

"EW," Peter and Lars chorused, like little first graders. Berwald rolled his eyes.

Tino chuckled. "Now, what was it that you wanted, Peter?" Peter shrugged, and Tino gave him a concerned look. "Are you all right?"

Berwald looked curiously up at Peter and tilted his head to the side. Peter didn't meet their eyes. "I'm fine," he replied, picking up his fork and twirling it around in his hands.

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah."

That was the first time I'd ever seen Peter acting like that, and it worried me. And it worried Tino and Berwald, too. Tino gave Peter extra pancakes, but Peter didn't eat them.

I look over at him now, his eyes are trained on the screen. He kind of looks like a zombie. I wave my hand in front of his face and he turns to look at me. "Yes, Emil?" He asks, quietly.

"I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable for me to ask this, but...have your parents been arguing a lot lately?" _May as well try and see what's bothering him._ I inwardly curse as myself when I realize I sound just like Matthias, when he's probing me about my issues.

Peter nods, but doesn't say much else.

Sounds like me.

"About what?" I continue.

"Dumb things."

"What sort of dumb things?"

"Pappa's work. Isi says he doesn't spend enough time at home with us. Or when something bad happens, Isi gets mad and asks Pappa why he's so calm and asks him why he has to be such an emotionless buffoon, and then that makes Pappa mad." Peter stares woefully down at the soft, white carpet and he sighs wistfully.

So I'm guessing Tino and Berwald's relationship is a little rocky at the moment, and is a very touchy subject with Peter. "I'm sorry about that," I say to Peter, because really, I don't know what else I can say.

*

**2:34 PM  
Emil: if you love me,**

**2:34 PM  
Emil: let me know**

**2:35 PM  
Leon: I love you**

**2:35 PM  
Leon: I already told you that, Emil**

**2:35 PM  
Emil: good, because i love you too**

**2:36 PM  
Leon: I love you three**

**2:37 PM  
Emil: leon why**

**2:37 PM  
Leon: ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯**

**2:37 PM  
Leon: But I do!**

**2:38 PM  
Emil: yeah**

**2:38 PM  
Emil: ...**

**2:38 PM  
Leon: Why did you feel the urge to ask/tell me this?**

**2:41 PM  
Emil: brother**

**2:41 PM  
Leon: Whoa, what?!**

**2:42 PM  
Leon: Your brother did w h a t ?!**

**2:43 PM  
Emil: he told me not to hold back my feelings, basically. he said it was okay for me to love you.**

**2:43 PM  
Leon: W o w**

**2:43 PM  
Leon: I did not see that coming**

**2:43 PM  
Leon: So...**

**2:44 PM  
Emil: ?**

**2:44 PM  
Leon: Are we going to be a couple?**

**2:50 PM  
Emil: i don't know yet, leon**

**2:50 PM  
Leon: Oh.**

**2:50 PM  
Emil: i'll tell you after brother and the dane's weeding**

**2:50 PM  
Leon: 'Weeding'?**

**2:51 PM  
Emil: you know what i meant**

**2:51 PM  
Leon: Oh.**

**2:52 PM  
Leon: Yao is doing way better, by the way. The doctor thinks he can go home soon.**

**2:52 PM  
Emil: how soon?**

**2:52 PM  
Leon: Lol, soon enough that my whole family will be able to make it to your brother's 'weeding'**

**2:53 PM  
Emil: whoa**

**2:53 PM  
Emil: didn't think you'd be invited, to be honest.**

**2:53 PM  
Leon: Uh, yeah...why wouldn't I be, I'm the best man's best friend.**

**2:54 PM  
Emil: uh, no...i'm nobody's best man**

**2:54 PM  
Leon: Tell Lukas that, it said you were on the invitation.**

**2:54 PM  
Emil: urgh, that's going to be so weird...**

**2:55 PM  
Leon: How so?**

**2:55 PM  
Emil: it's just embarrassing that he chose me, his "dear little brother"**

**2:55 PM  
Leon: Well, at least you'll look dashing~**

**2:56 PM  
Emil: stop it.**

**2:56 PM  
Emil: wait, in what?**

**2:56 PM  
Leon: In your "Best Man" suit?**

**2:56 PM  
Emil: no**

**2:56 PM  
Emil: sorry leon but no**

**2:57 PM  
Leon: Aw, but you would look handsome!**

**2:57 PM  
Emil: STOP IT.**

**2:57 PM  
Leon: I don't know if you're saying that modestly or not, but no.**

**2:58 PM  
Emil: whatever, you weirdo**

**2:58 PM  
Emil: bye**

**2:58 PM  
Leon: Bye ♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎**

**2:59 PM  
Emil: that's too many, leon ♥︎♥︎♥︎**

**2:59 PM  
Leon: There can never be too much love in this world, can there?**

_Can there?_

*

I stay downstairs to watch TV with Tino tonight.

When he's sitting in front of the TV, he completely zones out, like he has been enslaved by the lights and colors on the screen. There's a melancholy look on his face, however, that kind of reminds me of Berwald.

 _Melancholy_. Such a beautiful word, such a sad meaning. It always reminds me of a weeping willow tree, waving in the wind under a grey sky next to a still, glassy lake, small raindrops occasionally disturbing the calm of the water.

I asked Brother once what the word reminded him of.

He said Matthias.

I still haven't seen that.

I don't understand how someone who acts so happy can have something so terrible eating them from the inside out. 


	19. Day Eleven: Indigo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I keep having these short chapters. I swear I'll have some longer ones, soon!!!!

Two mornings ago, I found a notebook of Peter's, left open on his bed, when I woke up.

He wasn't there. It was just the small, college-ruled blue notebook laying on his bed.

I told myself over and over not to look at it.

Unfortunately, curiosity got the best of me, and I may or may not have looked at the page it was open to when I walked past his bed when I went to breakfast.

**_ Indigo _ **

_Those purple eyes,_

_They shine so bright,_

_Reflecting the star_

_That brings us light._

_  
And in the storms,_

_They shine through, they pierce,_

_Into the blizzards,_

_Wind and snow so fierce._

_  
But inside, I see a darkness_

_That not even your eyes will show._

_I thought you told me everything,_

_But it seems you told me only what you thought I should know._

I stared at the page for a few moments, thinking, _No, Peter did NOT write this,_ even though it's all in his handwriting. In a strange way, I felt like the poem is referring to Tino, but... _no_. It couldn't be.

I closed the notebook and walked out of the room.

I don't think Peter would've like it if he'd found out I'd read that, it seemed pretty personal.


	20. Day Eleven: Bathtub

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: 
> 
> Masturbation.
> 
> It's just mentioned, not described in any detail at all, but 0_0

There's a knock on my door. Well, technically it's not _my_ door, it's _Peter's_ , but that's besides the point. Anyway, somebody's knocking on the door, and I hear Tino's voice pipe up from behind it.

"Emil! We have to go pick up our suits for the wedding, soon!" He calls, cheerfully.

_Oh, joy._

"Why?" I call back. An annoyed tone slips into my voice, even though I don't mean for the question to come out that way. I cough, and ask why again.

"The rehearsal's tonight, we need to get our clothes!" Tino replies, and he laughs. "It would be pretty uncomfortable at the wedding if we didn't have anything to wear, after all."

I hiss at his terrible sense of humor.  _Well, I highly doubt that we'd go naked if we didn't get our suits,_ I roll my eyes. _Honestly, we could just wear our regular clothes and it'd be fine._ But I drag myself off of the air mattress and stretch, my bones creaking as I do so.

I need to take a shower, I haven't taken one in a few days. I run my fingers through my hair, before kneeling down next to my bag and pulling out clean boxers, jeans, and a shirt with an anime character on it that I borrowed from Leon a few months ago (and that I still haven't given back... _whoops_. Though it's not like he's asked for it back.) "Fine," I say to Tino. I open the door and walk past him to the bathroom, closing and locking the door behind me.

"Oh, enjoy your shower!" Tino says cheerfully through the door. Then I hear his footsteps retreating and sigh, turning to the mirror and gazing at my reflection. My reflection gazes back, which is to be expected, honestly.

I pull off my shirt and open one of the white drawers under the sink, pulling out a purple towel before catching myself in the mirror again.

I've never really found myself as a really attractive person. My hair is weirdly silver and my eyes are light purple. My skin is moon-pale. And I'm skinny as fuck, you can see my ribs. But oddly enough, looking in the mirror this time, my face turns red as a fire engine. I look back down and scream inwardly. For the past few days, in fact, ever since Leon and I started kind-of-dating-but-not-quite (that's the best I can describe it as right now, because we _definitely_ like each other but we just haven't, well, tied the knot...) whenever I've looked at myself in the mirror, something in me just... _WHOOOF_.

And yes, "whooof" is a technical term.

It's weird, really. I want it to go away, whatever it is.

Leon probably could explain it to me, I don't know. Or Yong Soo or someone. It's probably some weird hormonal thing. Thinking that, though, makes me turn even redder. I sit down on the counter, trying to will the blush away.

Only experience I have ever had with masturbation was when I was in seventh grade, a guy was stroking himself under the desk next to mine while I was on the computer.

I've never done that to myself, though. I have no desire to.

Well, my body might beg to differ at the moment, but _no_. **_NO, NO, NO._**

*

Somehow, I ended up in the shower, moaning Leon's name over and over into my hand like a mantra. Yeah, remember my last comment? Guess what I ended up doing.

Even a few hours later, at the store getting our clothes, I'm thinking, _Fuck hormones, I hate them. I fucking hate them._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope none of the Oxenstierna's heard this...............................
> 
> Probably did, though..


	21. Day Eleven: Better

I am absolutely in shock right now.

Okay, _yes_ , I've been in shock _a lot_ lately, but this time, this is a different kind of shock.

Not only am I Brother's Best Man, but the suit he bought for me is almost exactly like my favorite "fancy" outfit. There's a brown suit jacket, a whitish-pink button-up with a ribbon tie, brown pants, and he even got me some new white boots to replace the old ones.

I sent Leon a picture a few minutes ago, and this is how he replied:

**3:21 PM  
Leon: See, you're very handsome in that.**

**3:21 PM  
Leon: Told you!**

I just rolled my eyes and laughed at that.

*

Peter invited Raivis over, today, so Yong Soo came by and dropped him off.

Now, Peter and Raivis are hanging out in Peter's room upstairs. I'm downstairs, a bowl of popcorn in my lap, watching some random movie. I don't know where Tino and Berwald are, but I'm kind of glad they're not here, the movie's had some extremely suggestive scenes. I think the thing's rated R. I'm questioning exactly why it's on this TV, especially since Peter uses it--I had honestly expected this thing to have more restrictions on the channels. But nope, apparently channels with R-rated movies playing on it are totally safe for twelve-and-a-half-year-olds to watch (note the sarcasm, friends). Technically, I'm still seventeen, so I'm not supposed to be watching this, either. Whoops. But in my defense, it was the only thing on.

After the movie finishes, I turn off the television and look at the clock. The Roman numerals tell me that it's 8 PM, and I'm in shock that Tino and Berwald aren't home, and that nobody's come to pick up Raivis. So, I ascend the stairs and look in the playroom.

Raivis is asleep in the blue beanbag chair in front of the television, hands loosely gripping a video game controller. Peter's still playing the game, seeming unaware that his friend's fallen asleep. Especially since he keeps yelling, " _Haha_ , Raivis, _told_ you I was the master of this game!" And more things along those lines.

I cough, he turns to look at me after pausing the game, and I point over at Raivis' sleeping body. Peter looks and his eyes grow wide. "Should I wake him up?" He asks, quietly, even though there's no need to, since he's practically been yelling in Raivis' ear (they are sitting alarmingly close) for probably the whole time they've been together.

I shake my head no, and I pull out my phone and text Leon, kind of worried.

**8:04 PM**   
**Emil: hey leon?**

He answers a few minutes later.

**8:07 PM  
Leon: Yes?**

**8:07 PM  
Emil: raivis fell asleep**

**8:07 PM  
Leon: Oh.**

**8:08 PM  
Emil: do you think someone should come pick him up?**

**8:09 PM  
Leon: Yeah, probably. He's pretty tired because Ivan took him to see Yao last night and they stayed there way past visiting hours.**

**8:09 PM  
Emil: oh**

**8:10 PM  
Emil: well, can you tell yong soo or natalya or katyusha or someone to pick him up?**

**8:10 PM  
Leon: Sure. Make sure you wake him up to tell him what's going on, though.**

**8:11 PM  
Emil: understood.**

**8:11 PM  
Leon: (=´∀｀)人(´∀｀=)**

**8:15 PM  
Leon: All right, Natalya will be over soon, Love!**

**8:15 PM  
Emil: why did you call me that if we aren't even dating?**

**8:16 PM  
Leon: Because, I love you.**

**8:17 PM  
Emil: wtf**

**8:17 PM  
Emil: okay whatever you say**

**8:17 PM  
Emil: just don't be embarrassing**

**8:18 PM  
Leon: Aw, okay**

**8:18 PM  
Leon: See you later! ♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎**

**8:19 PM  
Emil: i thought i told you not to be embarrassing**

**8:19 PM  
Leon: I'm not, I'm just expressing my love for you.**

**8:19 PM  
Emil: i did that plenty earlier**

**8:20 PM  
Leon: What?**

**8:20 PM  
Emil: nothing**

**8:20 PM  
Leon: Are you suuuuuuuuuuuuuure~?**

**8:21 PM  
Emil: yes, now shut up**

**8:21 PM  
Emil: i'm waking raivis up.**

**8:21 PM  
Leon: Oooookay, but we're going to talk about this thing you did plenty of earlier ;)**

**8:22 PM  
Emil: STOP IT**

**8:22 PM  
Emil: GOOD**

**8:22 PM  
Emil: BYE**

**8:23 PM  
Leon: Byeeeee ♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎**

**8:24 PM  
Emil: ♥︎♥︎♥︎**

I put down my phone, feeling myself blushing madly.

"So, who's coming to pick me up?" Raivis asks, his leg bouncing up and down. One of his tics, I remember. The only one that others don't make fun of him for. He has Tourettes, which is something that causes him to have a lot of different tics, like bouncing his leg, blinking hard, and just twitching in general. Sometimes it's from nerves, but others it just happens randomly, and people bully him for that. I honestly want to steal one of Tino's guns and shoot the bullies with them, because that's not fair, it's not like something Raivis--or anyone with Tourettes--can control, necessarily.

"Natalya," I answer, sighing. The yandere-who-is-actually-okay-when-she's-not-being-yandere. I think somebody sent Brother on a blind date with her once. They didn't get together, and both of them left immediately after they saw each other.

Apparently, whoever sent them on the blind date didn't know that my brother is gay af and was actually dating Matthias at the time, and apparently they also didn't know that two emotionless people will only ever end up as either friends or enemies. Which yes, Brother and Natalya do get along to some extent. So I guess they're _frenemies?_

To be honest, I have a sneaking suspicion that Ivan and Yao set Natalya up for that to keep her away from Ivan...

Raivis doesn't look too happy at the news. "Natalya broke Toris' hands again a few weeks ago, what if she does that to me?"

I hiss, definitely believing that Natalya broke Toris' hands. He had a crush on her years and years ago (even though he's dating someone named Feliks now...) and she still hasn't let that go. But to my knowledge, that's the only reason why Natalya did that, so I think Raivis is okay, which is exactly what I tell him.

"Are you sure?" He asks, his leg bouncing faster, chewing on his lip. "I don't want another one of us in the hospital."

"You'll be fine, trust me," I reply.

"Emil, why does Raivis have to leave? We could've had a sleepover!" Peter whines, poking out his lip in a childish pout. I'm glad he's reverted back to his old self after the morning Berwald and Tino got in that fight. Once again, I find myself wondering where they are. _Didn't we have a thing to go to tonight?_

"No, Raivis is very tired from last night," I say, looking over at Raivis, who has bags under his eyes. He yawns as though to prove my point.

"Aw, but that would've been so much fun," Peter cries.

"But Raivis would be sleeping really early, that wouldn't have been fun."

"Yeah, Peter. Sleepovers aren't fun if you fall asleep almost immediately," Raivis sighs, shrugging. "Perhaps some other time?"

"Yeah, fine," Peter grumbles. "Next time you make plans to come over, make sure you sleep the night before!"

I see the lights of a car through the window. The car pulls up in the driveway and parks, and a blonde lady steps out. Natalya. "Okay, Raivis, time to go," I say to him, and he sighs, stands up and stretches.

Peter attacks him with hugs, and Raivis looks over at me, mouthing, "HELP ME." I pull Peter off of him, and although he protests, he stays next to me and off of his friend.

We walk down the stairs and reach the bottom, right as the doorbell rings. I open the door and Raivis walks slowly out to Natalya, who gives him a weird, one-armed hug that looks forced.

"Hi, Emil," Natalya says flatly, running her fingers through her hair. "Leon told me to give you a hug from him, but I don't want to do that."

And I'm perfectly fine with that. "That's okay," I say. "Thanks for coming to pick up Raivis."

She nods. "Of course."

We stand there awkwardly for a few moments, before Raivis coughs. "Can we please go home now?"

Natalya nods, rolling her eyes. "Okay. I'll see you later, Emil. You too, Peter." She waves unenthusiastically, then turns around and tugs Raivis to the car.

They pull out of the driveway.

When they've disappeared down the street, Peter says out of the blue, "I don't like Natalya. She's mean to Raivis."

I look down at him, and he's looking up at me with his big, blue eyes. "Well, a lot of people have trouble channeling their emotions. She doesn't mean to act like she does, most of the time."

"I don't believe that."

"That's how Br-Lukas is," I answer him, raising my eyebrows at him. "Actually, that's how a lot of people are. Sometimes when we're angry, or sad, or scared, we say things we don't mean."

Peter shrugs at me. "I don't get that, but all right."

"Don't worry, I don't really get it, either," I say, shrugging back. "I guess it's just how humans are." Then, I finally remember to ask. "Hey, where's your parents?"

"They're picking up Hanatamago from the animal hospital right now. I think they were going to marriage counseling before that." Peter kicks at the ground, looking a little glum. "Hana was pretty sick with...something. I forgot what."

You know, I knew something was missing over the past few days. Guess it was that little furball jumping all over me. "Is she better?"

Peter nods, and I feel relieved until his next sentence.

"I just wish Pappa and Isi's relationship was."


	22. Day Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is another short chapter.
> 
> But the wedding is coming up soon and THAT chapter is HELLA long...

It turns out, when Berwald and Tino got home last night, that there had been a rehearsal for the wedding, but Brother and Matthias had to cancel at the last second. Why, nobody knows. I hope everything's going okay.

Berwald was carrying Hanatamago in his arms. The little dog was asleep, her tongue lolling out of her mouth cutely, her ears and feet twitching every so often.

Peter was asleep upstairs, and I was downstairs, scrolling through another social media website, looking at Leon's posts in particular, when they walked into the room. Tino asked me where Peter was, and I pointed upstairs. Lars walked in slowly, tiredly, behind them, rubbing his eyes. He collapsed on one of the chairs by mine and fell asleep nearly immediately. It was getting pretty late, about 10:30 at night.

Berwald looked down at me, still holding Hana, and asked me if I wanted to hold her. I took one look at the sleeping puppy and shook my head. I knew I'd probably end up waking her up. "Ya should go to sleep," he mused. "S'late, and I know ya've had a long day."

I sighed, it had been a long day. I turned off my phone and pushed myself off the couch, following Berwald as he carried Hanatamago upstairs, which was where her crate was. He carried her into Peter's (and, well, my) room and set her down next to Peter's sleepy form, then walked over to the side of the bed Tino was standing on. Tino was talking to the kid quietly, in a soft voice. I couldn't even tell what he was saying. He smoothed back Peter's hair and kissed his forehead, before telling him good night. He turned to Berwald and hugged him, and Berwald hugged him back, a bit awkwardly because of the height difference. Then, they separated, and turned to me.

Tino gave me a small smile. "Thanks for keeping everything under control here, Emil," he said, walking over and giving me a hug. "It really means a lot. Especially since he's kind of...going through some stuff right now." He gave me a sad look, his violet eyes sparkling.

I nodded, feeling kind of like a bobblehead, knowing exactly what "stuff" Peter was going through. If it was enough to have Peter writing depressing poems, then I definitely knew what "stuff" that was.

 


	23. Day Twelve: Empty

**12:34 AM  
Leon: hey, emil?**

**12:34 AM  
Leon: i need help**

**12:36 AM  
Emil: god, why do you always feel the need to wake me up in the middle of the night?**

**12:36 AM  
Emil: wait, where's your usual good grammar?**

**12:36 AM  
Leon: emil, stop**

**12:37 AM  
Emil: ...**

**12:37 AM  
Emil: ...oh, something's really wrong...?**

**12:37 AM  
Leon: yes**

**12:38 AM  
Emil: oh**

**12:38 AM  
Emil: is it okay if i ask what that "something" is?**

**12:38 AM  
Leon: sure**

**12:39 AM  
Leon: ivan's come back home today**

**12:39 AM  
Emil: oh, well isn't that good?**

**12:39 AM  
Leon: they kicked him out of the hospital**

**12:40 AM  
Emil: shocker.**

**12:41 AM  
Leon: it's because yao didn't just hurt his head, but they just found out that he fractured his spine, too**

**12:41 AM  
Emil: fuck**

**12:41 AM  
Leon: i know, this hospital sucks**

**12:42 AM**   
**Emil: i can't believe they JUST found out about a spine fracture**

**12:42 AM  
Leon: i don't know when i'll get to see him again, though**

**12:42 AM  
Leon: that's what really scares me**

**12:43 AM  
Emil: oh...**

**12:43 AM  
Emil: i can help you take your mind off of it if you want**

**12:44 AM  
Leon: please**

**12:44 AM  
Emil: okay. what do you want to talk about?**

**12:45 AM  
Leon: something beautiful**

**12:45 AM  
Emil: the northern lights are beautiful**

**12:45 AM  
Leon: hmm**

**12:46 AM  
Leon: i think you're beautiful, emil**

**12:46 AM  
Emil: stop it**

**12:46 AM  
Leon: sorry, but you really are**

**12:46 AM  
Emil: mhm**

**12:46 AM  
Emil: how do you figure**

**12:47 AM  
Leon: your hair**

**12:47 AM  
Leon: i love your hair**

**12:47 AM  
Emil: GREEEAAAT.**

**12:48 AM  
Emil: anything else you'd like to add on to that wonderfully descriptive explanation, leon?**

**12:49 AM  
Leon: you're cute**

**12:49 AM  
Emil: beautiful and cute are two wildly different things**

**12:49 AM  
Leon: who cares**

**12:49 AM  
Emil: touché.**

**12:50 AM  
Emil: anything else?**

**12:50 AM  
Leon: your eyes are so beautiful**

**12:50 AM  
Leon: they're so magical**

**12:51 AM  
Emil: oh, so now i'm magical?**

**12:51 AM  
Leon: yes, you are.**

**12:51 AM  
Leon: you're the most magical person i know**

**12:51 AM  
Leon: that's why i wanted to ask you something**

**12:52 AM  
Emil: what?**

**12:52 AM  
Leon: so...**

**12:52 AM  
Leon: i've kind of been reading up on some stuff online**

**12:53 AM  
Emil: that's dangerous XD**

**12:53 AM  
Leon: shush**

**12:53 AM  
Leon: anyway, so**

**12:53 AM  
Leon: i've been reading up about genders?**

**12:53 AM  
Emil: yeah**

**12:54 AM  
Emil: i've been reading up about sexualities, trying to figure out what i am**

**12:54 AM  
Leon: oh...**

**12:54 AM  
Leon: by any chance, is that leon-romantic and leon-sexual?**

**12:54 AM  
Emil: i don't really know yet**

**12:54 AM  
Leon: （ ｉ _ ｉ ）**

**12:54 AM  
Emil: so continue**

**12:55 AM  
Leon: i've been reading up on genders**

**12:55 AM  
Emil: yeah i got that**

**12:55 AM  
Emil: what else?**

**12:56 AM  
Leon: i think?**

**12:56 AM  
Leon: i think, i'm not sure, but i THINK**

**12:56 AM  
Leon: i'm gender fluid**

**12:56 AM  
Emil: ...okay?**

**12:56 AM  
Emil: idk what that means, but i'm in full support of you**

**12:58 AM  
Leon: oh thank goodness**

**12:58 AM  
Leon: i was thinking you'd freak out**

**12:58 AM  
Emil: come on, you know me, stupid**

**12:58 AM  
Emil: you oughta calm down.**

**12:59 AM  
Emil: i love you, and people that love each other don't judge each other for these sorts of things.**

**12:59 AM  
Emil: or they SHOULDN'T.**

**1:00 AM  
Leon: i guess you're right.**

**1:00 AM  
Emil: i'm always right**

**1:00 AM  
Leon: well, you weren't right about how loki is odin's blood brother**

**1:01 AM  
Emil: YES I WAS!!!!!!!!!!**

**1:01 AM  
Emil: I DON'T KNOW WHY THE AMERICANS MADE LOKI THOR'S BROTHER, BUT THEY DID**

**1:01 AM  
Leon: relax, em, i'm just messing with you**

**1:01 AM  
Emil: you better be**

**1:03 AM  
Leon: i am, i looked it up a few weeks ago and in multiple sources it told me that loki was in fact odin's brother, not thor's**

**1:03 AM  
Emil: speaking of brothers**

**1:03 AM  
Emil: what happened with the rehearsal last night?**

**1:06 AM  
Leon: the rehearsal?**

**1:06 AM  
Leon: uh**

**1:06 AM  
Leon: i know, but i don't think i'm supposed to tell you**

**1:06 AM  
Emil: what happened?**

**1:06 AM  
Leon: ...well,,**

**1:07 AM  
Leon: matthias overdosed. he's in the hospital too, now.**

**1:07 AM  
Emil: WHAT THE FUCK?! WHY?!**

**1:07 AM  
Leon: i don't know!!!**

**1:07 AM  
Leon: i really have no idea!!!**

**1:07 AM  
Emil: WHY THE FUCK WOULD HE DO SOMETHING LIKE THAT?!?!**

**1:08 AM  
Leon: i just said, i don't know!!**

**1:08 AM  
Emil: i want to go see him.**

**1:08 AM  
Leon: i think that's why everyone didn't want me to tell you...**

**1:09 AM  
Emil: i'm gonna kill him**

**1:09 AM  
Emil: he knows how much he means to my brother, and he still tried to off himself?**

**1:09 AM  
Leon: i don't know, emil.**

**1:09 AM  
Leon: i'm sorry about that.**

**1:10 AM  
Emil: you're fine.**

**1:10 AM  
Emil: thank you for telling me.**

**1:10 AM  
Emil: my brother must be so upset right now.**

**1:10 AM  
Leon: i can imagine**

**1:11 AM  
Leon: you should go this morning to see him.**

**1:11 AM  
Emil: i will.**

**1:11 AM  
Leon: are you crying right now?**

**1:11 AM  
Emil: no.**

A tear falls onto my hand, and I wipe the back of my hand on the sheets.

**1:11 AM  
Leon: it's okay to cry, emil**

**1:11 AM  
Emil:**

**1:16 AM  
Emil: i am crying**

**1:16 AM  
Leon: i'm crying too**

**1:16 AM  
Leon: i wish i was there so i could give you a hug, but i'm not**

**1:17 AM  
Emil: a hug would be nice**

**1:17 AM  
Emil: i think i want to stay with brother again.**

**1:17 AM  
Emil: berwald and tino keep having fights**

**1:17 AM  
Emil: it's awful and it's tearing peter apart**

**1:18 AM  
Emil: and that's the last thing i want to see right now, peter crying**

**1:18 AM  
Leon: i understand**

**1:18 AM  
Leon: i'm really sorry**

**1:19 AM  
Leon: do you want to talk about something else?**

**1:19 AM  
Emil: no**

**1:19 AM  
Leon: oh**

**1:19 AM  
Leon: why not?**

**1:20 AM  
Emil: can yong soo drive you here?**

**1:20 AM  
Leon: he's asleep**

**1:20 AM  
Leon: why?**

**1:21 AM  
Emil: i think**

**1:21 AM  
Emil: i need a hug**

**1:22 AM  
Leon: yes, he can drive me**

**1:22 AM  
Leon: awww, you're so cute, emil**

**1:22 AM  
Leon: you just want me to come all the way over there for a hug?**

**1:22 AM  
Emil: yes**

**1:23 AM  
Leon: well,**

**1:23 AM  
Emil: well**

**1:23 AM  
Leon: are you sure you don't want to do anything else?**

**1:23 AM  
Emil: what else could we do?**

**1:23 AM  
Leon: i don't know**

**1:24 AM  
Emil: okay**

**1:24 AM  
Emil: i'll see you in how long?**

**1:24 AM  
Leon: approximately thirty minutes**

**1:24 AM  
Leon: is that okay?**

**1:25 AM  
Emil: yes**

**1:25 AM  
Emil: i really hope that matthias is okay**

**1:25 AM  
Leon: i told you you cared about him.**

**1:25 AM  
Emil: i never said i didn't care about him.**

**1:26 AM  
Leon: okay, em, whatever, you're a saint**

**1:26 AM  
Leon: are you still crying?**

**1:26 AM  
Emil: no**

**1:27 AM  
Leon: i'm glad.**

**1:27 AM  
Leon: but remember, there's no shame in crying.**

**1:27 AM  
Leon: i'll see you soon.**

**1:28 AM  
Emil: bye**

**1:28 AM  
Leon: bye ♥︎♥︎♥︎**

I lied to him when I said I wasn't still crying.

I am.

But I'm not crying for Matthias. I'm crying for Brother.

I remember a few years ago, I started cutting, and he found out. He was so scared for me, he was crying so much back then.

Now, Matthias is still on the tipping point between life and death. Who knows if he's going to survive.

I don't want to see Brother if Matthias does end up dying.

He'd be so,

                     so,

                               so,

                                         so,

                                                     empty...

                                                                I know how much he loves that stupid Dane,

  
                                                                             he'd fall apart even more if he left now.


	24. Day Twelve: Outside

I creep silently out of Peter's room and past Tino and Berwald's room. Their room is quiet, and I'm glad.

I hear someone downstairs, however, and when I look, I see Lars, standing on a stool in front of the fridge, trying to snatch a cookie out of the cookie jar. So cliché. I tsk him, silently, and walk up to the front door, turn the knob, and go outside, emerging into the cool night.

The porch lights are on, and in the glow I can see a few yards in front of the house. However, other than that, it's completely dark outside.

Until I see headlights coming down the long driveway. I close the door behind me and walk closer to the driveway as the car nears.

I don't even hear anything when the car stops. I don't hear the car doors open and close, I don't hear Leon's voice, even though I can see him talking. All I can hear is my heartbeat in my ears.

I have no idea why.

Next thing I know, Leon's holding me, and we sink down together to sit on the front steps of the house, and Yong Soo's backing out of the driveway, turning around and driving away, and I'm too numb to ask why.

"Hello, there," Leon says after a few minutes, looking down at me like I'm a stuffed animal he just won at the carnival.

"Hello, yourself," I say, flatly, and I almost start crying from how much I remind myself of Brother. 


	25. Day Twelve: Sky

Leon and I laid down underneath the starry sky and stared up at it for a long time, silent.

Unfortunately, silence eventually becomes awkward, and awkward eventually becomes uncomfortable, so one of us had to say something.

Leon says, quietly, "I'm...genuinely sorry about Matthias, Emil."

I swallow, hard. "It's fine, Leon, I already told you."

"It's not."

"Yes it is."

"Yes it is."

"No it's not." I cover my mouth with my hands.

"See?" Leon says accusingly. "You _do_ care!"

"You tricked me into saying that, it doesn't count!" I chide, crossing my arms.

Leon shakes his head sadly at me and pulls me into another hug. "You know you do."

"I'm just worried about my brother."

"Shush, I don't need to hear this." He presses a finger to my lips, then points upwards. "Talk to the sky."

I look at him like he's insane. Which, because he's Leon, of course he is insane. He shrugs back at me, giving me a face that seems to say, "What else are you gonna do?"

So I look up at the sky, lay back on the grass, and close my eyes.

"How do you feel about Matthias?" I ask the sky, imagining it's Brother.

Of course, the sky isn't really my brother, so it doesn't respond. A few crickets chirp comically in the background.

I continue. "Do you think he'll be okay? Him and my brother?"

"I don't hear anyth-"

"Sh," I cut Leon off and open my eyes, staring up at the stars.

The stars don't do anything but twinkle, twinkle, up above the world so high, like diamonds in the sky, but it seems to be a response, in a way. I feel like they're saying yes. I guess, since that's the only reassurance I know I'm going to get, I should trust it.

"What did the sky say?" Leon asks, his voice hushed.

"It said yes," I replied, looking over at him. "They're going to be okay."

"You should teach me how to talk to the sky," he says, smiling a little. "I can pretend it's Yao."

Sadness creeps into his voice at the mention of his older brother and I sigh, turning to him, leaning into him.

I feel him start crying into the knees of his jeans, after he curls up in a ball. I hug him back and cry, too.


	26. Day Twelve: Visit

  
I visited Matthias at the hospital, today.

Nobody actually told me to, but Leon said that he wanted to go visit Yao with someone, and I may or may not have asked the lady at the front desk if I could see a certain Danish man.

Brother was in the room. It was so weird in that room--so boring and white. Everything looked white. Even my brother. _Especially_ my brother.

His skin was paler than usual as he sat down next to Matthias in a small metal chair. He looked up at me, his indigo eyes a little surprised, though at the same time he seemed to be staring right through me.

"Emil?" He asked, quietly, raising his eyebrows at me.

I looked past him and over at the enormous hospital bed in the middle of the room, where Matthias was laying, staring up at the ceiling. He lifted his head a little bit when he heard Brother say my name, and his light blue eyes--usually so full of light--looked so dull. It didn't seem right. The Matthias I knew was always bouncing around like a little happy puppy. He was never this calm, never this quiet. Never this still.

I walked a bit further into the room. Matthias was holding Brother's hand. Their twin rings glinted in the fluorescent lighting. I felt like I was going to cry; I may have already been crying, in fact. I eventually ended up standing next to Matthias' bed. He looked at me, waving.

"Hey there," he said, chuckling weakly. "How have you been?"

It all seemed wrong. I gritted my teeth. Matthias wasn't supposed to be here. This wasn't the right place for him, in this boring, white room, filled with nothing but the sounds of breathing and machines.

A glance at Brother's face made me realize he felt the same.

"Don't start that," I grumbled at Matthias. "Do you know how much you worried everybody?"

Matthias nodded, shrugging. "Well, yeah, I mean...they worried enough to take me to the hospital, so..."

"Shut up," I snapped. By that point, Brother said, I was crying. "You worried my brother to death, you asshole, you know if you'd died, he would've died, too!" Honestly, at that point, I was so pissed off. I showed Matthias that, though, by hugging him and crying into the fabric of his hospital gown-thing. "Don't ever pull something like that again."

"Whoa, hey, Em," Matthias said, patting me on the back. "I'll try not to, okay? I promise."

"I'll hold you to that," I said, crossing my arms, wiping tears off my face.

Matthias nodded solemnly and hugged me back, tightly, and this hug felt more genuine than any of the others he'd given me, before this all happened.

I guess I can say I was happy about that.

*

Leon seemed a little happier when I walked into the lobby a few hours later. He was smiling and he didn't look so pale. He looked up at me and sprinted over, practically attacking me with a hug.

"Why are you so happy?" I asked, after he dragged me over to sit next to him on one of the couches in the lobby.

"The doctor says Yao is going to be okay," he replied, grinning at me. "I'm so glad Yong Soo was able to get us here."

"Where is he?" I asked, frowning.

"He's still upstairs, talking. We'll have to wait a bit. So, how's Matthias?"

"He's okay," I answered, honestly, relieved.

Leon nodded. "The sky was right."

"The sky was right."

And we sat their, in our own little world, waiting for Yong Soo to burst out of the elevator, saying "Da-ze" and singing some K-Pop song.

When he didn't show up after an hour, Leon grabbed my hand and pulled me out to the car.

We sat together in the back, the silence enveloping us, and then Leon suddenly turned to me, his amber eyes glittering beautifully in the dim light. I turned to look back at him, raising my eyebrows, confused.

"What are you doing?" I asked him.

Leon shrugged. "Well, now that everything's right with the world..." He smiled a bit. _"Nothing."_

Then, he leaned in and kissed me, and I couldn't help but kiss him back, because he was Leon, and I loved him, and everything _was_ right with the world.

I ended up underneath him, and he was kissing my neck, and he had my shirt halfway off before I stopped him, breathlessly.

I asked him, "What the fuck are we doing?"

Leon stared down at me, my shirt still bunched up in his hands. Then he started laughing, so I couldn't but laugh, too. Then he hugged me and let me sit up. "God dammit, Emil, I love you," he said, kissing me on the cheeks.

"And I love you, too," I replied. Because I do. 


	27. Day Twelve: Poetry

The rightness of the whole situation all faded away when Yong Soo dropped me off at my house.

Leon had walked up to the doorstep with me and chastely kissed me goodbye (which I must admit I was pretty flustered about), before hugging me and walking back to the car.

Only when they were gone, when the car had disappeared all the way down the road, did I turn to open the door.

And the door flung open and smacked me in the face.

I didn't fall or anything, but I felt the bones in my nose crack and felt blood rushing out from it. It was Tino who had slammed the door open on my face. I could tell, because he was walking to the car, his arms crossed, muttering angrily. He snatched open the car door and climbed inside, before slamming the door shut and driving away. And he was definitely exceeding 25 miles per hour. Shame on him.

But then, I noticed Peter standing in the doorway, tracking Tino's blue car as it drove further and further down the road. His big blue eyes were both sad and confused, and before I knew it tears were welling in them, then spilling over and dripping onto the floor. He turned away and walked quickly back upstairs to his room.

*

**_ Pappa _ **

  
_Pappa, why are you so far away?_

_I try to see you every day._

_But you never, ever let your mask slip._

_Am I just a forgettable blip_

_To you, my one and only friend?_

_Isi said he'd stay until the end._

_Is that what's wrong, oh Pappa dearest?_

_I'm sorry Isi left._

_  
You know, I never could see you._

_I could see your eyes, all icy blue._

_But I never saw past your façade._

_And yet, I never found it odd._

_Yet now I see: you look so sad._

_Is it my fault that you feel so bad?_

_Is that what's wrong, oh Pappa dearest?_

_I'm sorry I'm such an awful son._

_  
Pappa, Pappa, can't you see?_

_I'm trying to stop being me._

_Pappa, Pappa, look at this,_

_I'm on the edge of the abyss._

_I'll try to bring my Isi home._

_But if I'm not back, then you'll know_

_That I'M what's wrong, oh Pappa dearest._

_That's okay..._

_I'll be gone soon, though._

I know it's wrong to read other people's diaries, but I think it's okay if I'm reading it while the owner is right there, not saying anything while watching me.

Peter's diary is mostly poetry, which I'm surprised by.

And it's all depressing.

And it all seems to be about his family members.

The one titled "Pappa" was obviously about Berwald. The one called "Indigo" that he left open on the bed the other day was about Tino.

Now I'm finding poems about Matthias, about Brother, and even about me.

**_ Sky _ **

_The sun shines through the sky._

_The sky is in your eyes._

_And while you're annoying, obnoxious, and loud,_

_I know you're suffering inside._

_  
Uncle, what's wrong?_

_I need you to see_

_That whatever is wrong,_

_Then you can tell me._

_I don't need you to hide._

_I don't need you to run._

_You don't need to pretend_

_That everything is all fun._

_  
I love you, Uncle,_

_And I know he does, too,_

_You know we all only want the best for you._

_We don't want you to hide._

_We don't want you to run._

_And yet,_

_You run,_

_And run--_

_You run._

  
**_ Hidden _ **

_Your house is quiet,_

_And so are you,_

_You've hidden your emotions,_

_And you still do._

_  
I know that you love him,_

_Yet you keep it in, hide,_

_Can't you see that his heart_

_Is dying inside?_

_  
Uncle, I know you feel more than you show._

_Your brother, him, and I--we love you more than you know._

_Uncle, please don't hide your heart anymore._

_Or else you two may end up, dead, on the floor._

  
**_ Ice _ **

_If looks could kill,_

_You could kill me._

_Youngest Uncle, why so angry?_

_  
You're just so young,_

_Your future so bright,_

_And yet your life seems to lack all of the light._

_  
Yes, you hide it quite well,_

_You keep your composure,_

_But now I can see your brain is an enclosure._

_  
Your hands are so cold._

_Your future no longer bright._

_Please, Uncle, please try to find the light._

 


	28. Day Thirteen: Lilies

It's been a day, and Tino still hasn't come back.

Peter told me that Berwald had fallen asleep in his office while he was working on some blueprints, and Tino needed to get to the computer in there to print something. Apparently, Berwald had woken up and tried to pull Tino into his lap to hug him, but Tino kind of freaked out and slapped him, because he hadn't been warned before Berwald touched him.

I don't know why that elicited the events of Tino stomping out and giving me a nosebleed, so I'm going to assume that Peter hadn't exactly seen all of it.

Good thing, too. My nose still really hurts.

Berwald is sitting by the window in his blue chair, Hanatamago sitting on the arm of the chair beside him. She twitches in her sleep and occasionally makes soft whimpering noises. I'm reading the selkie book again on the couch, though I look up every now and then to see Berwald, still sitting completely frozen, staring blankly up at the white walls of the house.

Peter is upstairs. Unlike usual, I can't hear any loud anime or video game music from downstairs. It's all quiet.

Suddenly, Berwald coughs and I look up to see his icy blue eyes trained solely on me.

"Yes?"

"How about you and Peter go over to your friend's house today?" He asks, before pushing his silver glasses up his nose.

"Leon's house?" I question, and he nods. "I don't think that's a good idea, though-"

"His friend, Raivis?" Berwald sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Peter needs to be with him right now."

I frown at this. I'm sure that Peter would feel better not being at Leon's extremely loud and crowded house, but then again, Raivis is the only person Peter really likes to talk to a lot.

Maybe I could get them together at someone else's house, though. Someone quiet and someone that Peter is comfortable with.

And then the answer hits me like a big, orange school bus. Because school buses aren't yellow, they're more gold than anything.

Anyway, I had an idea of somewhere to go, but I'd obviously have to ask first.

*

**12:04 PM  
Emil: leonnn**

**12:04 PM  
Emil: leon**

**12:07 PM  
Emil: LI XIAO CHUN ANSWER ME**

**12:07 PM  
Leon: Hey, hon**

**12:07 PM  
Emil: please don't ever call me that again**

**12:08 PM  
Leon: Okay, dear XD**

**12:08 PM  
Emil: i'm going to pretend like you did not just say that.**

**12:08 PM  
Emil: anyway, can you ask raivis if he wants to hang out with peter today? we're going to someone else's house, too, though**

**12:09 PM  
Leon: Sure, he heard what happened with Berwald and Tino last night. He feels really bad for Peter.**

**12:09 PM  
Leon: But whose house do you mean?**

**12:10 PM  
Emil: ehhh**

**12:10 PM  
Emil: well, you know vash? zwingli?**

**12:10 PM  
Leon: Oh, you want to go to Lilli's house?**

**12:11 PM  
Emil: yeah.**

**12:11 PM  
Emil: i felt like that would be the perfect place for them to be able to chill out.**

**12:11 PM  
Leon: Okay, yes, that is a good idea.**

**12:11 PM  
Leon: I'll tell Raivis, and see what he says.**

**12:12 PM  
Leon: Well, he can come, but I can't.**

**12:12 PM  
Emil: who said you were invited lmao**

**12:12 PM  
Leon: （−＿−；）**

**12:13 PM  
Emil: sorry, haha**

**12:13 PM  
Emil: i just think it would help peter feel better if our teenage hormones weren't around him**

**12:13 PM  
Leon: Emil, I wouldn't have sex with you at another persons house**

**12:13 PM  
Emil: that's not what i meant**

**12:14 PM  
Leon: It's called a joke, silly**

**12:14 PM  
Emil: i think you must be mistaken, though**

**12:15 PM  
Emil: i'm not the silly one here**

**12:16 PM  
Leon: Wow, thanks**

**12:16 PM  
Emil: you're welcome**

**12:16 PM  
Leon: Do you really have to go there with Peter, though? I wanted to do something with you today!**

**12:19 PM  
Emil: no leon, i have to stay with peter,**

**12:19 PM  
Emil: berwald and tino got in a pretty bad argument and tino left, and he still hasn't come back.**

**12:19 PM  
Leon: Oh...I didn't realize that Tino actually walked out. I'm sorry.**

**12:20 PM  
Leon: I just thought you wanted to organize something for Peter to get away from them fighting**

**12:20 PM  
Emil: no, it's okay, you didn't know.**

**12:20 PM  
Emil: and leon, just because you're my best friend, doesn't mean i have to spend time with you all the time.**

**12:21 PM  
Leon: Wait, so I'm still just your best friend?**

**12:21 PM  
Leon: Oh.**

**12:21 PM  
Emil: leon, i do want to date you, but not now**

**12:22 PM  
Emil: i've got a lot of things going on right now**

**12:22 PM  
Leon: Okay, well I guess that makes sense**

**12:22 PM  
Leon: I understand, don't worry**

**12:23 PM  
Emil: i'll be your boyfriend after the wedding**

**12:23 PM  
Leon: ＼(^o^)／**

**12:24 PM  
Emil: don't get too excited, you might choke**

**12:24 PM  
Leon: On what?**

**12:25 PM  
Emil: ...**

**12:25 PM  
Emil: you know there's a lot of really dirty things i could answer that with**

**12:25 PM  
Leon: God damn, Emil**

**12:26 PM  
Leon: I don't think I can let your horny teenage self be around a bunch of little preteens**

**12:27 PM  
Emil: stfu**

**12:27 PM  
Leon: Haha, sorry**

**12:27 PM  
Leon: So, question**

**12:27 PM  
Emil: shoot**

**12:27 PM  
Leon: Did you ever find out what sexuality you identify as?**

**12:27 PM  
Leon: Just wanted to know UwU**

**12:28 PM  
Emil: uhhhh**

**12:28 PM  
Emil: to be honest i really don't know**

**12:29 PM  
Emil: there's so many**

**12:29 PM  
Leon: You read up on demisexuality, right?**

**12:30 PM  
Emil: yeah**

**12:30 PM  
Emil: i might be that**

**12:30 PM  
Leon: Yay, so we match!!!**

**12:31 PM  
Emil: leon, the key word was "might"**

**12:31 PM  
Leon: I knooowww**

**12:31 PM  
Emil: and what does that word mean?**

**12:33 PM  
Leon:   
Might   
/mīt/   
past tense of "may"  
-in reported speech, expressing future possibility or permission**

**12:33 PM  
Emil: oh my god**

**12:33 PM  
Emil: f u c k y o u**

**12:34 PM  
Leon: I thought you said you didn't want to? XD**

**12:34 PM  
Emil: hhhhh**

**12:34 PM  
Emil: could you be serious for one second?**

**12:35 PM  
Leon: Yes, but serious is boring, is it not?**

*

Lilli's older brother, Vash, is hanging out with his boyfriend, Roderich, downstairs on the couch. They are actually asleep, clearly having fallen asleep while listening to music, as they are sharing earbuds. Meanwhile, Lilli's up in her room, drinking tea and painting flowers on a picture frame. She looks up when we walk in and smiles.

"Hello," she says, standing up and walking over. She proceeds to give all of us hugs. "Are you staying, Emil?"

Peter looks up at me with large blue eyes, and I nod, my eyes trailing down to see him and Raivis standing alarmingly close, and I can't help but wonder what is going on with them.

Probably something that Tino and Berwald would either love to know about or hate to know about, though...

... _aw_...

I see Lilli's eyes light up even more. Her green eyes sparkle in the afternoon sun shining through her emerald-colored curtains. She really is a pretty girl, it's a shame so many people mistake her for her brother.

And so, we sit down and Lilli pulls out her fairytale books and plays some quiet music. I flip through a collection of Hans Christian Andersen's stories--Matthias has a book like this at home, I recall. I begin The Snow Queen.

Peter is reading a book about sea monsters, and occasionally he gasps and frantically taps Raivis' shoulder, turning the book to show him. And Raivis smiles a bit at what he sees, and Peter gives him one of his signature smiles: the one with the scrunched-up eyes and wide grin, a bit of a blush covering his cheeks.

Lilli is still painting the picture frame. After I finish a few pages of The Snow Queen, I stand up and walk over to her desk to see how her work is paying off, and it is paying off quite well. The white and silver flowers--lilies--look very realistic.

"What is that for?" I ask, raising my eyebrows curiously, genuinely interested.

"I was actually going to make it for your brother's wedding," Lilli replies, setting the paintbrush in the water cup. "It's a gift."

Lilli is also a very sweet person. Since Brother doesn't know her very well, he didn't put her on the invitation list when he was sending them out. This makes me tempted to invite her myself.

"I'm sure that they'll love it, Lilli," I reply, smiling a bit at her. She smiles back.

"Thank you, I hope so."

 


	29. Day Fourteen: Brother

I was right--or, rather, _Berwald_ was right about Raivis being able to cheer Peter up. However, he still does seem rather empty.

I know how much he loves Tino; after all, Tino is his father, his Isi. And to him, his only parents will ever be Tino and Berwald, not just one or the other. I guess I can compare his dilemma to my previous one, in a way. He felt like he lost a family member, and I had, too. I had felt like I was losing Brother to Matthias, and Brother was the only family I had had left.

Though I _do_ know that Tino would never want to leave Peter behind. He won't stay gone for long, I don't think. After all, he's not that kind of person.

Peter's silently watching anime in his room, and Lars is in there, too. Surprising, because Lars hardly ever wants to do anything with Peter and without his laptop. And he is both with Peter and without the laptop. Suddenly I'm wondering if this is the beginning of Ragnarok, and that's why so many weird things are going on. Maybe the long winter's about to start. Who knows.

My phone rings in my pocket and I pick it up, looking at the number, recognizing it as Brother's.

"Yes?" I answer, bringing the phone to my ear, because in this house, you never know who's eavesdropping. Ahem. Peter.

"Hei, Emil," Brother replies. There's something in his voice, some... _emotion_. Now I'm convinced it's Ragnarok. Hey, maybe Leon and I can hide in a bunker together while the rest of the world grows crazy and Surt burns down the World Tree and almost everybody dies...

Actually...only two humans are fated to survive Ragnarok, and they are a man and a woman, named Lifthrasir and Lif, so...no, I don't think that will be able to happen. Well, it was a nice thought.

"Hei, Lukas," I respond. "What do you need?"

"Matthias is going to be released from the hospital tonight, and we're going to a restaurant to celebrate. Would you like to come?"

The fact that he's asking completely convinces me that this is the beginning Ragnarok and it's right before the long winter is about to start. Soon, Heimdall will blow his horn and alert the Æsir of the coming of Ragnarok.

And the fact that I answer that yes, I do want to go, confuses me even more.

Though, I haven't seen my brother or Matthias being happy for a while (in fact, I've been seeing the complete opposite), and I hate to see both of them sad. And lately, I've seen way too much sadness all around me, from what happened to Yao, to Matthias, to Berwald and Tino, and to Peter...

"You know even if you had said no I would have still made you come along," Brother chuckles. "I've missed you, Lillebror."

"I know," I reply, rolling my eyes. "Of course I'll go, I need to be away from Peter and his family right now."

"Well..." Brother goes silent, and I can't help but wonder why.

"Brother?" I say, then facepalm for slipping up.

"What did you call me?" He asks, a sly tone taking over his voice.

"Urgh, nothing!" I reply, hanging up and covering my face, which is red with shame.

Dammit.

 


	30. Day Fourteen: Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hehe, okay, so I did A Bad and took a super long hiatus...and this chapter isn't even the start of Parth Three.
> 
> Sooooo, because of that? I'm updating both this chapter and the first chapter of Part Three. 
> 
> I love you all, thank you for reading <33

I can't help but give Matthias an enormous hug when I see him standing in the doorway of the house.

"Whoa, Icey," he says, utter shock riddling his voice. He returns the hug, tousling my hair and messing it up. I hold back from pulling away to fix it and bury my face in his chest. There's still a lingering smell of hospital on him, but nevertheless, I'm glad to know he's okay.

"Uncle Matthias!" Peter seemingly war-cries from upstairs, before sliding down the banister of the stairs and practically jumping onto Matthias. Thankfully, I was able to jump out of the way before he smacked right into me.

"Hej, Peter! How are you?" Matthias asks him, picking him up and holding him over his head. "Have you grown taller?"

"I'm okay," Peter replies.

A veil of confusion falls over Matthias' face, and he puts Peter back on the ground. "Why just 'okay'?"

I forgot that he didn't know about what happened with Tino...shit.

Peter looks down at the wood floor and kicks at it. "Isi left..."

Matthias looks over at me, furrowing his brow. "What..." Then he plasters on a clearly fake smile and kicks off his shoes, walking through the foyer and into the open glass doors of Berwald's office. "Hey, Bro, can we talk for a second?" I hear him ask.

Peter looks up at me, seeming as confused as Matthias probably is right now.

Then, Brother walks in through the still-open doorway and shuts the door behind him. He walks over to me, his arms crossed expectantly.

"What?"

"Give your big brother a hug, Emil," he says, pursing his lips. Should've expected him to say something like that. He'll never change.

I proceed to not give him a hug, because honestly I only wanted to see Matthias. It's not like Brother was about to die a few days ago.

However, this strikes me as strange. I didn't like Matthias a few days ago, and yet I was so happy to know that he was all right. I gave him a bigger hug than I've probably given anyone before. And then, I flat-out rejected my brother. My own flesh and blood. Who was the WHOLE REASON I didn't like Matthias.

...Ragnarok?

"Where did Matthias go?" Brother sighs, frowning. "Is he annoying his brother?"

"I think they're having a 'grown-up conversation'," Peter grumbles, rolling his eyes. "Probably about Isi. But why are you and Uncle Matthias here, Uncle Lukas?"

"We're taking Icey out for supper!" Matthias laughs, walking back into the room, practically dragging Berwald. "Berry, look at my lovely fiancé~!"

"Beautiful," Berwald replies. He pushes his silver glasses up his nose.

I gag, and so does Peter. Brother blushes and reaches up, poking Matthias hard in the cheek. Berwald does not show any emotion and instead stands there, stone-faced. "Stop being annoying, Dane."

"Am I ever annoying?" Matthias laughs loudly, throwing his arm around Brother's shoulder and kissing him on the cheek. "Jeg elsker dig, Lu-Lu."

He's acting like his old, happy self again, and I'm glad to seem him, not just in the flesh, but I'm glad to see him being himself. His smile seems genuine.

"Jeg elsker deg, Matthias," Brother replies, blushing.

He looks over at Berwald, then, and his small smile drops. Berwald is chewing on his lip, looking down at the floor, appearing conflicted, and I realize that something going on behind the scenes that I definitely don't know about. Apparently, Brother realizes that, too, because he looks like he's about to say something...

"Well! Are we going to go to dinner, or what?" Matthias interrupts him, looking down at him.

Brother nods, so I nod, too. I look back at Berwald, then down at Peter, who's still standing by my side, edging a bit closer to me. "What's wrong with you, Peter?" I ask, frowning at him. He gestures for me to lean down, so I do, and he presses his lips to my ear.

"Pappa and Uncle Lukas have some...history," he whispers, his blue eyes wide. "That's another thing Pappa and Isi have been arguing about..."

What? I look between Berwald and Lukas, my frown growing deeper, my eyebrows furrowing. I turn back to Peter and lower my voice so even I can barely hear it. "You mean, they used to date?"

"Yeah," Peter replies. "Uncle Matthias and Uncle Lukas were dating before that, and then Uncle Lukas dumped Uncle Matthias for Pappa."

I look back at Brother.

"How long ago was that?"

"They were..." Peter taps his chin. "Teenagers. Uncle Lukas was your age--"

Which, dear reader, is seventeen.

"--And Uncle Matthias and Pappa were twenty."

My frown somehow grows deeper.

I'd never heard of Matthias until a few months ago. And I'd certainly never heard about Berwald and Brother being a thing.

I am beginning to wonder how much I actually know about my brother.

 

 


	31. Part Three: Day Fifteen

**11:34 PM  
Leon: Heyyy Em**

**11:34 PM  
Leon: Can I, like, talk to you?**

**11:35 PM  
Emil: yeah but why at 11 PM**

**11:35 PM  
Emil: actually nevermind**

**11:35 PM  
Emil: i've learned not to question you when it comes to this sort of thing**

**11:35 PM  
Leon: Ha, you're funny**

**11:36 PM  
Leon: So...**

**11:36 PM  
Emil: so...what?**

**11:36 PM  
Emil: leon**

**11:38 PM  
Leon: I**

**11:38 PM  
Leon: I love youu**

**11:38 PM  
Leon: You know that, right?**

**11:38 PM  
Emil: yeah, but why**

**11:39 PM  
Emil: i mean, why are you acting like there is something life-threatening you want to tell me?**

**11:39 PM  
Leon: Well**

**11:40 PM  
Leon: I kinda...wanted to ask you a question that may seem awkward**

**11:40 PM  
Emil: um, okay**

**11:40 PM  
Emil: what's the question?**

**11:41 PM  
Leon: Well.**

**11:41 PM  
Leon: So, remember when I told you that I think I'm gender fluid?**

**11:42 PM  
Emil: and i had no idea what that meant? yeah.**

**11:42 PM  
Leon: Well, I think I really am now.**

**11:42 PM  
Leon: I went shopping today.**

**11:43 PM  
Emil: mhm**

**11:43 PM  
Leon: I have an earring now, too**

**11:43 PM  
Emil: cool.**

**11:43 PM  
Leon: Do you mind?**

**11:43 PM  
Emil: why would i?**

**11:44 PM  
Leon: Oh, good...**

**11:44 PM  
Leon: Um, can you...do me a favor and use different pronouns for me?**

**11:44 PM  
Emil: ???yeah??? what pronouns?**

**11:44 PM  
Leon: They/them, if you don't mind.**

**11:45 PM  
Emil: um, okay**

**11:45 PM  
Emil: but you have to explain "gender fluid" to me**

**11:45 PM  
Leon: Sure!**

**11:46 PM  
Leon: It's like, I identify with different genders at different times? Like, sometimes I feel more masculine, sometimes I feel more feminine, then sometimes I just feel in-between**

**11:46 PM  
Emil: oh, cool**

**11:46 PM  
Emil: so, kinda like being transgender, but...advanced transgender?**

**11:47 PM  
Leon: XD "Advanced Transgender"**

**11:47 PM  
Leon: "Transgender" is kind of an umbrella term,,**

**11:48 PM  
Leon: Technically, or at least in my opinion, "transgender" just means that someone is not the gender that they were assigned at birth**

**11:49 PM  
Emil: hmm okay**

**11:49 PM  
Emil: i think i understand**

**11:49 PM  
Emil: ...**

**11:49 PM  
Emil: so, you don't want me to call you a boy or use masculine pronouns?**

**11:50 PM  
Leon: No**

**11:50 PM  
Emil: so...you'd be my genderfluidfriend instead of boyfriend?**

**11:51 PM  
Leon: Uh, that's a mouthful**

**11:51 PM  
Leon: I prefer the term "significant other" or "s/o"**

**11:51 PM  
Emil: oof**

**11:52 PM  
Emil: okay**

**11:52 PM  
Leon: （＾ω＾）**

**11:52 PM  
Emil: okay, leon**

**11:53 PM  
Emil: wait, does that mean you want to change your name, too?**

**11:53 PM  
Leon: No, no, I like the name "Leon".**

**11:53 PM  
Emil: i like your name as well.**

**11:53 PM  
Emil: it's fiery**

**11:55 PM  
Leon: Thank...you?**

**11:55 PM  
Emil: you're quite welcome...**

**11:55 PM  
Leon: I love you, Emil ♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎**

**11:55 PM  
Emil: i love you, too, leon.**

**11:56 PM  
Leon: ☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆**

**11:56 PM  
Leon: Yay!**

**11:56 PM  
Leon: ....**

**11:56 PM  
Leon: But honestly, Emil?**

**11:56 PM  
Emil: yes?**

**11:56 PM  
Leon: I think I love you too much**

**11:57 PM  
Leon: My heart beats so fast when I'm around you, and my face gets really red**

**11:57 PM  
Leon: You're...really beautiful**

**11:57 PM  
Emil: pff**

**11:57 PM  
Leon: No, I'm serious**

**11:58 PM  
Emil: i know**

**11:58 PM  
Emil: but you make me sound like a girl when you say that**

**11:58 PM  
Leon: Who's to say you're not, and also, you really are beautiful. The most beautiful person I know, actually UwU**

**11:58 PM  
Emil: you're going to make me cry**

**11:58 PM  
Leon: Why?**

**11:59 PM  
Emil: ...**

**11:59 PM  
Emil:**

**12:01 AM  
Leon: Emil?**

**12:02 AM  
Leon: Emiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiil**

**12:05 AM  
Emil: i'm sorry, it's just that i never thought anybody would care about me like you do**

**12:05 AM  
Leon: Why wouldn't they?**

**12:06 AM  
Emil: because.**

**12:06 AM  
Leon: That's not a good answer. Why?**

**12:07 AM  
Emil: i don't really like myself**

**12:07 AM  
Leon: Emil, please don't say that.**

**12:07 AM  
Emil: well, i don't**

**12:07 AM  
Leon: Well, I'll help you learn to love yourself as much as you love me.**

**12:08 AM  
Emil: ...**

**12:09 AM  
Emil: goodnight**

**12:09 AM  
Leon: Why now???**

**12:09 AM  
Emil: because i'm tired, and i need to go to sleep?**

**12:09 AM  
Leon: Hmm**

**12:10 AM  
Emil: goodnight, leon ♥︎**

**12:10 AM  
Leon: Goodnight, Emil, my love. Sweet dreams~♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎♥︎**

Though, I do find it hard to get to sleep after that. Instead, I toss and turn.


	32. Day Fifteen: Consciousness

Dreams are rather strange things, if you ask me.

They are a reflection of your consciousness. My consciousness was telling me something, but I'm not particularly sure what it was...or, rather, I don't want to know what it was. Usually, though, my dreams are set in the purple space. This time, it was less abstract and I could see more clearly.

I woke up at home this morning, and I didn't remember why.

The the events of the days prior came to mind, and I shivered, glad that I was in my own asexual flag bed. It was clear that Brother had cleaned the sheets as well, considering they smelled of heather.

I'm usually a clean person, but I don't do laundry, and my bedsheets were probably at the point of "about to become a health hazard" when I left.

Brother always smells like heather, which is why the scent of heather usually comforts me. He uses heather-scented soaps and laundry detergents. Never too much to make me sneeze, of course.

He also smells like coffee and vanilla. He's brewing coffee right now, while I sit on the couch and read the newspaper comics.

Matthias walks up behind him and gives him a hug, kissing the top of his head. Brother turns and hugs him, nuzzling into Matthias' shoulder. They're both smiling.

I turn my attention back to the comics. 


	33. Day Fifteen: Smile

Brother and Matthias insisted that I stayed out of my room for the rest of the day, for "Family Bonding Time". I tried to escape to my room, and I locked my door. But obviously, since it's my brother's house, he has the key to my door (which he always loses when he doesn't need it, but miraculously finds at the worst possible times--for me, anyway.) So he and Danish Porcupine (aka Matthias) busted into my room and glomped me on my bed.

After I pushed them off, they finally laid down on both sides of me: Matthias on the right, and Brother on the left. And they hugged me.

As if that wasn't strange enough, Brother was smiling. His smile was definitely not as big as Matthias', but it was great (though somewhat disconcerting) to see his smile again.

I don't know how long we laid there like that, Matthias, my brother, and I.

But it was nice.


	34. Day Sixteen

I hate August.

Matthias teases me about hating summer. He says that I should be happy about the warm weather, considering the rest of the year is, in his words, "damn freezing".

It's not even the weather that's the problem...or at least, most of the problem. My main problem with August is that I have to shop for clothes (though this year, Leon promised to go with me, since they want me to have some other, nicer clothes to wear. Because hoodies and sweaters "should not make up 99.9999999% of the clothes I wear".)

Now, I don't mind school supplies shopping. I usually get new earbuds when I go supplies shopping, too (which is essential, because my earbuds keep breaking), and a lot of colored pens and markers. Of course, pens and markers aren't anything without paper to use them on...so I guess I like buying notebooks as well? College-ruled, because wide-ruled paper generally sucks and is a complete waste of money unless you want to cheat on an English essay.

The reason I'm bringing up August and shopping is because today is the first day of that awful month.

Brother is looking through one of those school supplies catalogues, which I find somewhat strange. He never looks at the catalogues unless he has nothing better to do.

I finish my cereal and rinse out the bowl and the spoon in the sink before walking over to stand behind my brother.

"Lukas?"

He grits his teeth and turns to look at me. "Yes, Emil?"

"Why are you looking at that?"

"I don't know." He sets it down and slides it across the counter, away from him. He sighs. "Is Matthias still in the shower?"

I nod. Considering that there's still loud music playing and water running upstairs, he's definitely still in the shower. For some reason, he takes showers that are over half an hour long. It's obnoxious.

I look back at Brother. He doesn't have bags under his eyes like he did a few days ago. His skin isn't sickly pale anymore, and he looks alive.

I may hate August, but the sun brings things back to life. Yesterday, Matthias made us lemonade and tea and we sat on the back porch all afternoon, reading and talking. Last night, we had Chinese takeout, then we popped three big bags of popcorn and ate all three of them while watching a movie.

That morning, Brother was stone-faced, cold, and melancholic; by the end of the day he was smiling like the Mona Lisa, bright, and happy.

I was happy, too. I'm happy now.


	35. Day Seventeen: Definition

Today is August 2nd, and Brother tells me that his wedding is going to be on the eighth. 

I know that I said I didn’t mind Matthias anymore, but doubt swirls in my stomach now, just thinking about it. I’ve been trying to read Lilli’s copy of “The Snow Queen” for days now (she’d let me borrow it). But I’ve been thinking about things. 

And I love my brother too much not to mind the fact that he’s getting married in general. I’m not even upset that he’s marrying Matthias anymore. I’m just upset that I won’t be the most important person in his life anymore.

I recently looked up the meanings of our names. I wonder if Matthias really is a gift from God, if I am his rival, and if Lukas is the bright and shining owner of both of our hearts.


	36. Day Eighteen: Five

I woke up this morning and immediately went back to sleep, dreading the daylight.

When I wake up again ten minutes later, I look at my phone. August 3rd. Five more days till I lose my brother forever.

I stare at the ceiling for a few moments, before sighing and putting my phone back on the nightstand, getting out of my bed. It still smells like heather, and I hate it because it smells like Brother. I glare at nothing, kicking the carpeted floor, stubbing my toe, and grumbling to myself.

Right then, I hear the doorknob of my door turning, and Brother opens the door. He looks at me in my naked-save-for-boxers glory, his eyebrows raised, his indigo eyes worried, for what I'm not too sure. 

"Are you all right, Emil?" he asks, walking over and pressing a gentle hand to my forehead.

I recoil from his touch, embarrassed and angrier than before, snatching a blanket from my bed and draping it around myself. He gives me a slightly hurt look, but I don't care, because he just walked in on me and I'm losing him and I just can't.

And after weeks and weeks of trying to withhold all of this, I finally snap.

"Damn you, Lukas, would it kill you to knock sometime?!" 

His eyes widen in shock, and he's definitely hurt now, his mouth open slightly, his breath catching in his throat. It makes me feel bad, but triumph and fury are the rhythms beating in my heart. 

"Get the fuck out of my room," I growl at him, my hands clenched into shaky fists by my sides, and my eyes leak tears, but they aren't a part of me. He winces, but doesn't move. He still stands there. "Why are you here?"

"I wanted to see if you were awake," he replies evenly, though his eyes are mixed with hurt and vexation. That's all I am: an annoyance. Just like the Dane. "Matthias made breakfast again, and-"

"Oh, there you go again: on and on about Matthias," I hiss, narrowing my eyes at him, not even really understanding what I'm saying, nor where my temper came from. "Well, here's something else you can go on and on about."

"Emil-"

"I'm not going to your stupid wedding."


	37. Day Eighteen: Five Point Two

My tired brain swirls with blind rage.

The scene is warped; my heart is pounding in my ears and I'm gasping for breath, except there's no air to breathe, it seems. Everything's blurry and my mind is fuzzy. The room spins around me, playing ring-around-the-rosy. 

Brother is crying nearby, I can hear him. That's what brought me to this awful state. Seeing him cry made me immediately want to take back everything I said, and I felt angry. Angry with myself, angry with my heart, angry with Brother and Matthias and Tino and Berwald and Leon, and…I was terrified. And I panicked.

"Hey, hey.." A voice slices through my thoughts: heavily accented and loud, though the owner is obviously trying to be quiet. I feel Matthias' arms around me, and he's swaying slowly from side to side. I hear him whispering to me, his voice soothing, but I can't tell what he's saying.

"Make him stop," I stutter out to him. "M-Make him stop crying..." 

"He won't stop unless you calm down, Emil," Matthias replies, rubbing my back. He holds me close, and I feel my face flushing from embarrassment. "Sh..."

And then I cry even harder, because dammit, I love this man. I hug him tightly, crying into his shoulder, and he kisses my cheek softly. "I've got you, Emil."

A few minutes later, my voice is still shaky and my tears are still falling freely. "I love you," I say, despite how weak and horrible I sound. Because I do. I love Matthias Køhler.

I feel him smile, but it isn't like one of the obnoxious ones he usually has on his face. "I know," he replies, gently. "I love you, too."


	38. Day Nineteen: Four

It's an unspoken rule that we don't talk about yesterday. 

We don't talk about what I said to Brother, we don't talk about what resulted. We don't even talk about anything after Matthias calmed us down; the apologies, the hugs, the kisses.

Yesterday does not exist anymore in the Bondevik-Køhler house. It just doesn't.

Today is orientation day for school, so the students can meet the teachers and a few of their future classmates. But for once, Brother isn't making me go--thank goodness. Instead, he's making the three of us go up for a day trip to the mountains.

I tell Leon I'm not going to the orientation, and they're kind of pissed. They say they want to see me, because "we haven't talked in forever" or something that that, which is total bs. I tell them that, too, but they start to get whiny. So I put away my phone. I don't want to date somebody whiny, so they should stop being a pompous fool. 

I blame their pompous foolishness on their new earring. It makes them look the most obnoxious, stereotypical kind of gay, and I kind of hate it. They aren't acting like themself. Instead, they're acting like Yong Soo.

Before I can think anymore terrifying thoughts like that, I shake my head hard and stare out the window. I know I shouldn't, because looking out the side windows makes me carsick, but my body is turned towards the window, and naturally, so is my neck.

The sky is blue (of course), almost as blue as Matthias' eyes. A few puffy, white cumulus clouds float through the air. I sigh as we fly past pine trees' green needles, and the Dane turns to look at me. 

"Whatcha thinking about, Em?" he asks--GOD, damn that nickname--and instead of answering, I yawn at him. He furrows his eyebrows. "Are you that tired?"

Yes, I am. We woke up early this morning because Brother decided he was going to pretend to know how to play the bugle.

"He woke early this morning, Mat," Brother chuckles lightly, tapping his fingers on the steering wheel to the beat of the song on the radio, "and as you know, he usually sleeps until six PM, so let him nap."

"I do not sleep until six," I grumble, glaring at the rearview mirror in hopes that Brother will be able to see it. His eyes flit to meet mine in the mirror, sure enough, and he shoots me a smug smirk before turning his attention back to the road.

Suddenly, Matthias gasps (way too loudly) and grabs hold of the knob on the radio, turning it all the way up. "LUKA!"

Brother sighs exasperatedly as Matthias starts screeching the lyrics to the sappy love song, before turning the radio down quite a bit. "Mat, not so loud. That hurt."

Matthias pauses in his singing and bites his lip. "Whoops, sorry...forgot that you don't like sudden loud noises." He gives Brother an apologetic smile before singing again, a little quieter and less off-key. My brother rolls his eyes, but begins to sing along as well, his soft voice harmonizing with Matthias' and the original singer's.

And I must admit, it was one of the most beautiful songs I had ever heard.


End file.
